Hello, and welcome back to the news of the week. If you’re in Austin on February 27, we’re hosting the first in our Freedom Debates series. The question: “Does the West Need a Religious Revival?” Ross Douthat and Ayaan Hirsi Ali will fight Adam Carolla and Michael Shermer, with Bari moderating. Get your tickets here!
Anyway, these are strange times, and I know that you’re thinking: To understand the world today, I need a middle-aged mom who only reads books about the Montessori method. Here I am. Let’s begin our work cycle.
→ The inauguration: This week, we witnessed the 45th president become the 47th president of these United States. It was the return of right-wing religious fanaticism as the Village People performed their gay anthem “YMCA” while our president did his signature dance, elbows out, wrists in, a little sway. It had echoes of Mussolini, Franco, and yes, Neil Patrick Harris, as Trump saluted a Village Person who, wearing assless chaps, saluted back. At an inaugural ball the next day, he did his dance again, but with a literal sword in hand. Reich vibes. Dance softly and carry a big stick, Mr. President.
In honor of the special day, Trump rolled out a special inauguration scam: a meme coin. Here is our presidential proclamation: “My NEW Official Trump Meme is HERE! It’s time to celebrate everything we stand for: WINNING! Join my very special Trump Community. GET YOUR $TRUMP NOW. Go to gettrumpmemes.com—Have Fun!” Melania then launched her own, called $MELANIA. These are like little micro-currencies, people can buy and sell them, and like tiny Ponzi schemes, the price goes up as long as people keep buying. Within hours of the launch, people were buying tons of the meme coin, and suddenly, Trump had made himself more than $50 billion on paper. I’m completely serious: more than $50 billion (on paper). Melania’s $MELANIA was worth at one point more than $5 billion, which is about the GDP of a Jeff Bezos evening. The meme coin value has since dropped as early “investors” pulled their cash.
I’m calling it now: We’re about to enter an era of scams previously unimaginable. Scams that will surprise and delight. Scams with little side scams attached. America has entered her shameless corruption era, and my bet is that Trump’s enthusiasm on this front will touch us all. Have you ever bribed a cop in America? A hundred-dollar bill slipped into a palm so we can all continue on at 105 mph? No? Well, it’s time to get comfortable with that, because speed limits are set according to how much you pay and Denny’s only takes $MELANIA now. Everyone’s bribing everyone in Trump’s Scamerica, and Michael Moore, if you’re reading this, that’s my title!
Don’t want a Free Press investigation into your company? My Venmo is public, and I can be paid in $TRUMP. Soon, we will pay our staff in $BARI, which will be redeemable only at The Free Press online store for merch and Soylent. It’s a circular economy, and our writers will love it. You can say Trump’s new presidency has started off with a bang, plus the sound of a police siren fading into the distance.
As far as the actual swearing-in, Pennsylvania senator John Fetterman wore gym shorts to the ceremony, while the soon-to-be Mrs. Bezos spun heads in lingerie, and Melania’s wide hat kept everyone at bay (the longest seconds were when the president tried to angle in for even an air kiss). Here’s our full fashion report, but that we can even discuss the clothes is an indication that it was much more of a normal inauguration than the 2016 event. If there were protests, I’ve barely heard of them.
→ It’s the law of the land: Joe Biden, or whoever was wearing his skin suit last week, decided he would ratify an amendment to the U.S. Constitution. He would add an amendment, via tweet, as outlined by the framers. He would do it right before leaving office, with no warning and no follow-up, but a lot of confidence. Here it is: “Today I’m affirming what I have long believed and what three-fourths of the states have ratified: The 28th Amendment is the law of the land, guaranteeing all Americans equal rights and protections under the law regardless of their sex.” The 28th Amendment, per this Official Tweet Declaration, is the Equal Rights Amendment, which makes men and women equal. I’m honestly not sure what it actually gives women since I already have everything (wife, kids, marble kitchen island, great bod). But regardless: This amendment has not been ratified. The three-fourths number is wrong; some states ratified and then rescinded their ratification, for example. It’s not in any way the law of the land.