Never before have people felt more comfortable weighing in on other people’s lives.
What diet to do, what to wear, how to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex, whether or not you should put money into that new crypto coin, if you should let your kids self-soothe, and on and on—but most of it, this endless supply of advice, is actually pretty bad.
Weekly popular advice columns, like Dear Abby and Ask E. Jean, have vanished. And in their place is finger-wagging, political posturing, and straight-up bad tips.
A New York Times reader sought advice on how to deal with her daughter, who is in a polyamorous relationship with a married man. She wrote, “My daughter tells me she would like to bring this man on our family trip to Greece this year. It may be petty, but I don’t want to foot the bill for another woman’s husband. And I don’t see any way this relationship can lead to my daughter’s happiness. Should I lay out my boundaries and risk my daughter not joining me on vacation?”
Instead of saying what any sane person would, which is: “Get this man as far away from your daughter as possible,” The New York Times advised the mother to shut up and do better. “This is about respecting your adult daughter’s choices. As a show of respect, read up on polyamory before you broach the subject with her.”
The thing is, we’re in an advice desert, but we’ve never been in greater need of good advice.
Some people consult friends, therapists, or tarot readers when they need direction in life. Other people pray or go to confession. Many people seek the advice of a mentor.
But at The Free Press, we like to visit this woman who lives on a hill in Pasadena and makes a mean onion dip. Her name is Caitlin Flanagan. You may have read her writing in The Atlantic, or you may have read her book Girl Land or On Thinking for Yourself. Caitlin is someone who has her finger on the pulse. Whether you’re reading her essays, her books, or her Twitter feed, she is just always right.
So today, Free Press reporter Suzy Weiss and Atlantic writer Caitlin Flanagan are here to answer your questions about. . . everything, from relationships to politics to children to animals (yes, animals)!
If you liked what you heard from Honestly, the best way to support us is to go to thefp.com and become a Free Press subscriber today.
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I really enjoyed this, but you ladies need some old-fashioned advice for the guys. Mark from Norway via St. Louis. Do you realize what an asset this guy is for his community? You are right that men bond over activity, so he needs to get out and be active. Without his wife. Go volunteer with the scouts, lead the kids (and, oh by the way, the dads) out on a hike. Teach them stuff about international affairs. Share your experiences and life with others. Volunteer with a church group, or at the men’s shelter, or as a soccer coach. Take a home improvement class at Home Depot. Heck, he sounds like maybe he could teach a class. Youthful energy, get out, make use of it. Without his wife. Friends will happen when activities are shared.
The guy whose mom is trying to set him up. Sheesh. It’s time to have an old-fashioned view of VOCATION. Some people are not meant to be married. Can you imagine what an asset that can be to the community? The guy with time to share? Mom needs to butt out, and see the possibilities for what a single man of consequence can do in this world.
OK I love hearing Caitlin's actual voice and wow I had no idea she was such an epic cancer survivor, but if anyone could beat it that long, Ms. Flanagan.
I just need to weigh in on the two men in question here.
Man seeking friends. It is so, so, so, so hard for men as they age. I honestly think his best bet is for him and his wife to socialize with other couples more and hopefully he really clicks with a fellow husband and they peel off. That seems the most likely. Other than, sports was a good suggestion. He will never make a friend at an American gym though. Sorry. That's not a thing (by and large).
Mother concernd for single son. This is the one I had the strongest reaction to. Caitlin is right about this: his mom needs to get the eff out of his personal life. She's probably already way too deep in his head, and that's part of his problem.
Here's my objection: I suspect he's not actually really dating. Maybe he's going on one offs but I believe her when she says he's not connecting with them. What I suspect he means is: They don't seem interested.
There's a lot of men who are just doomed out there. This is the hard truth. This is one of those things that no one wants to say out loud.
But guy with overinterested mom who decided to take a gentle, humane job like being a therapist? My guess is that in fact he is having a terrible time.
And no: Men are not hearing that and thinking he's won life. They would think that if he was going from short-term girlfriend to short-term girlfriend and his phone never stopped ringing, but that's not what we are hearing here.
I very much hope he finds a community of other dudes to hang with and that they find a mission to go on in life. It's probably time for him to look for life satisfaction elsewhere. One of the sad things about this world is that there isn't a great way for permanently single men to live with some dignity on this Earth.
I feel badly for this guy, but you are absolutely dead on that there is nothing his mother can do. She's probably done way too much already.