Dear Abigail,
I have one son, age 35. He and his wife live in the Midwest with my two grandsons, who are 1 and 4. My husband and I try to visit them several times a year, because the little ones grow up so fast, and we want to form relationships with them. Our normal routine is to arrive Thursday afternoon from the West Coast and leave Monday morning.
My son recently told me that these trips are too long and that he and his wife “need more space.” I looked at my calendar: We visited for a total of nine days in 2025 and 14 days in 2024. We try to be very helpful on these visits: cooking, shopping, cleaning up, walking their dog, babysitting, and staying in a nearby hotel. So the suggestion that our visits are a burden infuriates us.
What should the visiting approach be in 2026? Part of me wants to take a complete break on these trips.
—Elizabeth, 64
Elizabeth,
Mind if we get real for a second? You drive your daughter-in-law crazy.
You don’t mention her, but she is there, conspicuously off-screen, inspiring all the drama like Boo Radley. I know you don’t mean to drive her insane during your visits. It may not even be your fault. But sometime between all the helpful ministrations—the cooking, the cleaning up, the walking the dog, and babysitting—you’re probably doing some . . . commenting. Sprinkling nuggets of advice, over the suds, which you’ve tried to mask as observations. A few minor suggestions here and there, perfuming the air like so much Febreze. That’s what your son means by “needing space”: distance from your judgments and advice.
Elizabeth, I’m leveling with you: You’re a little annoying.
