Welcome back to Tough Love with Abigail Shrier, the new advice column from The Free Press! Every Thursday, our contributing editor will address your conundrums, with no hesitation and no sugarcoating—just straight-up Tough Love. This week, Abigail answers a question from Julia (that’s not her real name), who’s considering severing ties with her brother because he won’t vaccinate his kids. To receive Tough Love directly in your inbox, every week, sign up here.
Dear Abigail,
I’m struggling with a painful family dilemma and I don’t know what’s left to try. My brother and his wife refuse to vaccinate their children—unless they’re forced to, like when their kids were kicked out of school for being unvaccinated, specifically for not having the measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) jab. We’ve tried to be nonjudgmental in our questions and suggested compromises on ways we can interact, but every conversation feels like we’re speaking different languages.
This is part of a broader pattern of unsafe choices that make it hard to spend time together. My brother and his wife have driven more than once on the highway without putting their infant in a car seat because “he cries too much.” They also brought their kids, who had fevers, to our 100-year-old grandfather’s birthday party. Moments like these leave me feeling anxious, angry, and unsure whether I can trust them around my own family (I have three young children).
I love my brother, and I’ve always believed family should matter. But the disconnect in our values and basic safety standards feels enormous, and I’m starting to wonder if the healthiest choice is to step back. We don’t have a cool uncle willing to intervene; otherwise, I would go that route. So what do I do? Do I sever ties? Should I keep trying to reconcile or is it okay to accept that not all relationships can be fixed?
How do I navigate the guilt, the love, and the need to protect my own family?
Julia
Julia,
The first time I lost my little brother, he was 4. We were in our local Lord & Taylor, where he’d crept inside a fountain of racked clothing and ducked down so I wouldn’t see him. I tore through the racks, crying his name, until I found him smiling, thinking he had won this round of hide-and-seek.
