Welcome back to Tough Love with Abigail Shrier, an advice column from The Free Press. Every Thursday, our contributing editor will address your conundrums, with no hesitation and no sugarcoating. This week, Abigail answers a question from Matthew, a 26-year-old reader who’s recently had a spiritual awakening—and is worried it’s going to mess up his relationship. His girlfriend isn’t a fan of religion. Should he marry her or leave her? Scroll down to read Abigail’s advice.
Dear Abigail,
I’m currently in a long-term relationship with a woman whom I one day hope to marry. She is everything I have ever wanted in a partner—prudent, kind, gets along with just about everyone in my life. Most importantly, she and I have a shared vision of the life we want for ourselves: We have discussed the roles we wish to play in our household, where we would like to live, how many children we want to have, and so on. I often thank God that she exists.
My question relates to a development in my personal life that I worry may interfere with our relationship.
I’ve recently started to explore my relationship with God. Growing up, religion was not all that important to my family: I never went to church as a kid, and like most teens I found the concept of atheism cool and exciting. But in my mid-20s I’ve had a spiritual revelation of sorts. I am finding peace and understanding for what feels like the first time in my life. But I’m nervous that this will create a rift with my partner.
She is a staunch atheist—not merely agnostic, or someone who claims to “not know what’s out there”; she has a real adverse response to the existence of God. She grew up in a very conservative household that took religion very seriously (the literal antithesis to my upbringing)—but during her formative years, her parents’ loss of faith played a significant part in their rather ugly separation and divorce.
As someone who loves and cares for her deeply, I sympathize with her experiences. But as someone who aspires to have a strong relationship with God, I worry about her attitude toward Him. Our worldviews are very much at odds with each other, and I fear this is going to eventually have a profound impact on how we see our marriage and parenting our kids. And how we decide what the first principles of our shared life should be. I’ve expressed this concern to her, but I’m not sure if she shares it.
I have been very open with her about my faith journey and she is supportive for the most part, but I get a subliminal sense that she is starting to worry about me becoming some kind of religious lunatic, and I’m unsure of how to proceed. We have so much going for us, but also our relationship is largely untested at this point—we don’t have a mortgage to pay, we don’t have kids to feed. In short, life will continue to get difficult—and I want to know if we are set up to endure these struggles, or if we should part ways before there is no turning back.
Am I overthinking this?
—Matthew, 26
Dear Matthew,
When I was in college, women my age were always saying things like, “I’m very spiritual but not religious.” But for me, the reverse always seemed closer to the truth. I didn’t feel particularly close to God—but I felt certain He wanted me to keep kosher.
That brought me into mild conflict with my father’s mother, an American Jew of German extraction, and an atheist who never fully understood why my father and mother sent us to religious school. My grandmother only expressed her displeasure at the comparative religiosity of my parents’ home twice: once, when she thought I was making far too much of the bacon a restaurant had sprinkled on top of my salad, and once more, when she and I were alone in her sitting room. She peered up from a thick book cradled in her tiny lap and said, “You don’t really believe that God stuff, do you?”
