College presidents testify before the House of Representatives on Tuesday. (Photo by Kevin Dietsch via Getty Images)

TGIF: The Academy of Dunces

College presidents fail the test. California cancels Christmas. White House interns call for cease-fire. John Fetterman triumphs again. Plus, responsible yachts, Moms for Liberty, and more.

We’re back. We do what we do. 

Ukraine war falling apart: Congress is trying to pass a big military funding package that includes $61 billion to fund the war in Ukraine, which would be on top of the $111 billion the U.S. has already allocated to it. Some Republicans wanted to include major border-control improvements, which Democrats balked at, and some Dems also didn’t like that Biden’s spending proposal includes $14 billion for Israel. So it’s a mess. And Ukraine is running out of cash. 

Office of Management and Budget Director Shalanda Young said of the Ukraine funding: “We are out of money—and nearly out of time.” There’s a very smart Washington Post story this week about all the strategic mistakes we’ve made in this war. But it’s been a little jarring. See, I choose to believe what our presidents tell me. When George W. Bush said Mission Accomplished in Iraq, I said congratulations, Commander. When the Biden admin and the media said this would be a quick offensive, I planned for a beautiful spring in Kyiv. So I’m baffled. Iran keeps winning. They’ve got Russia, Hamas, the entire American left. How can we and our allies keep getting outsmarted and outgunned by the Ayatollah? This is a genuine question. Please, if you know anything about foreign policy, help me in the comments. Why am I not in an Airbnb in Odessa like I was promised?

→ Some colonization is good: After the South American nation of Guyana discovered more oil, its neighbor Venezuela has decided to invade. But Venezuela is a good socialist nation, comrades, and they’re friends with the Ayatollah, so America’s radical chic are on board with this. My guess is that you won’t hear much in the mainstream press. 

→ No! Not the White House interns! Our nation was stopped in its tracks this week. Flags fell to half-staff. Because this week, the White House interns released an open letter saying Biden wasn’t listening to them enough and that they want a #ceasefirenow in Israel. The cease-fire people are very clear: they want Hamas to keep the hostages and do the Intifada Revolution / There Is Only One Solution, but it’s really important that Israel ceases fire during that because never again means now, y’all. The interns spoke. America shook. Coffee carafes everywhere froze. Israel laid down their arms. Hamas is on their way to Tel Aviv to assume control. Finally, peace. Thank you, interns!

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