It’s nearly time for the next installment of Tough Love with Abigail Shrier—an advice column specially for Free Press subscribers. This week, Abigail’s going to answer a question from Julia (that’s not her real name), who’s considering severing ties with her brother because he won’t vaccinate his kids. Scroll down to read her letter.
If you want to make sure never to miss Abigail’s column, click here! Her reply to Julia will land on Christmas Day, right about the moment you’re getting fed up with your own family members.
Dear Abigail,
I’m struggling with a painful family dilemma and don’t know what’s left to try. My brother and his wife refuse to vaccinate their children—unless they’re forced to, like when their kids were kicked out of school for being unvaccinated, specifically for not having the measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) jab. We’ve tried to be nonjudgmental in our questions, suggested compromises on ways we can interact, but every conversation feels like we’re speaking different languages.
This is part of a broader pattern of unsafe choices that make it hard to spend time together. My brother and his wife have driven more than once on the highway without putting their infant in a car seat because “he cries too much.” They also brought their kids, who had fevers, to our 100-year-old grandfather’s birthday party. Moments like these leave me feeling anxious, angry, and unsure whether I can trust them around my own family. (I have three young children.)
I love my brother, and I’ve always believed family should matter. But the disconnect in our values and basic safety standards feels enormous, and I’m starting to wonder if the healthiest choice is to step back. We don’t have a cool uncle willing to intervene, otherwise I would go that route. So what do I do? Do I sever ties? Should I keep trying to reconcile, or is it okay to accept that not all relationships can be fixed?
How do I navigate the guilt, the love, and the need to protect my own family?
—Julia
