I like much of what Abigail Shrier shares, although I become mistrustful when she becomes dogmatic and seems to have an agenda. She creates a straw man with regards to gentle parenting. There was no need to do this and now I wouldn't recommend anyone listen to this podcast without a strong caveat. She chose only to focus on how gentle pa…
I like much of what Abigail Shrier shares, although I become mistrustful when she becomes dogmatic and seems to have an agenda. She creates a straw man with regards to gentle parenting. There was no need to do this and now I wouldn't recommend anyone listen to this podcast without a strong caveat. She chose only to focus on how gentle parenting can go wrong (as any parenting can) but had to have intentionally chosen not to pursue families in which this approach to parenting has gone very well.
Gentle parenting comes in many forms and much of it is authoritative. I know numerous young adults who are wise, compassionate, competent and successful people and were raised without punishments, time outs, yelling and threats. They were raised with respect, kindness and a relational parenting style. They're some of the most interesting and unique adults I know. Off the top of my head -- one is a farmer and soon to be a mother, another is a sign language interpreter, one is a professional musician, another doing very well at a UC college and another is the ED of a non-profit. All of them are strong, independent and full of zest for life.
As a Gen Xer who was spanked, grounded, threatened and yelled at, I knew I wouldn't duplicate a parenting style that made me sneak around, stop telling the truth to my parents, and left me on my own and at risk with many challenges. As much as I love my parents, I didn't have a relationship in which I felt I could go to them with my troubles and worries. My twelve year old has been raised without punishments including time outs, but with clear expectations. She shares her troubles and challenges with me. She comes to me when friends do things that go against the values we've instilled in her. She talks to me about boys. She isn't afraid to share her mistakes. She's been able to make her own breakfast since she was 2 years old, can't wait to get a driver's license, dreams about becoming a mother, competes in equestrian events, goes on trail rides by herself and just experienced a severe injury that required emergency surgery and lots of visits back to the surgeon. He commented on what a boss she is in how she has handled it all. She's hardly the disabled version of a human Shrier tells us gentle parenting will produce.
Life offers consequences. Go out when it's cold without a coat and you'll experience a consequence. Don't listen to mom when it's time to leave the playdate and next time she says we can't do a playdate today because yesterday it took too long to leave, but we'll try again another time. Eat too much dessert and you might have a tummy ache. Misread a recipe and put too much baking soda in your cookies and they will taste bad.
As tempting as it is to think that parenting is about raising children who "obey", obedience should not be our highest value in society. Look where that got us during the pandemic. Thinking through and appraising one's actions for one's self should be our goal in raising children. It's only through making mistakes and understanding the impact of our mistakes that we're able to alter our behavior from an internally motivated place.
Relational parenting that offers consistent love, guidance and appropriate boundaries is considerably more difficult than just punishing your child for disobedience. All healthy children defy their parents and if they don't they're not healthy. Those raised with punishments will typically defy by sneaking and lying. Those raised to be in relationship will do it openly and stay relational.
I want my child to work out things for herself and want her to take risks so I offer as much autonomy as I can. I also want her to know she can come to me with her mistakes and I'll support her when she needs it.
I like much of what Abigail Shrier shares, although I become mistrustful when she becomes dogmatic and seems to have an agenda. She creates a straw man with regards to gentle parenting. There was no need to do this and now I wouldn't recommend anyone listen to this podcast without a strong caveat. She chose only to focus on how gentle parenting can go wrong (as any parenting can) but had to have intentionally chosen not to pursue families in which this approach to parenting has gone very well.
Gentle parenting comes in many forms and much of it is authoritative. I know numerous young adults who are wise, compassionate, competent and successful people and were raised without punishments, time outs, yelling and threats. They were raised with respect, kindness and a relational parenting style. They're some of the most interesting and unique adults I know. Off the top of my head -- one is a farmer and soon to be a mother, another is a sign language interpreter, one is a professional musician, another doing very well at a UC college and another is the ED of a non-profit. All of them are strong, independent and full of zest for life.
As a Gen Xer who was spanked, grounded, threatened and yelled at, I knew I wouldn't duplicate a parenting style that made me sneak around, stop telling the truth to my parents, and left me on my own and at risk with many challenges. As much as I love my parents, I didn't have a relationship in which I felt I could go to them with my troubles and worries. My twelve year old has been raised without punishments including time outs, but with clear expectations. She shares her troubles and challenges with me. She comes to me when friends do things that go against the values we've instilled in her. She talks to me about boys. She isn't afraid to share her mistakes. She's been able to make her own breakfast since she was 2 years old, can't wait to get a driver's license, dreams about becoming a mother, competes in equestrian events, goes on trail rides by herself and just experienced a severe injury that required emergency surgery and lots of visits back to the surgeon. He commented on what a boss she is in how she has handled it all. She's hardly the disabled version of a human Shrier tells us gentle parenting will produce.
You know people who never gave a child a single consequence? And, yet they were "authoritative"? How? Did their child never disobey?
Life offers consequences. Go out when it's cold without a coat and you'll experience a consequence. Don't listen to mom when it's time to leave the playdate and next time she says we can't do a playdate today because yesterday it took too long to leave, but we'll try again another time. Eat too much dessert and you might have a tummy ache. Misread a recipe and put too much baking soda in your cookies and they will taste bad.
As tempting as it is to think that parenting is about raising children who "obey", obedience should not be our highest value in society. Look where that got us during the pandemic. Thinking through and appraising one's actions for one's self should be our goal in raising children. It's only through making mistakes and understanding the impact of our mistakes that we're able to alter our behavior from an internally motivated place.
Relational parenting that offers consistent love, guidance and appropriate boundaries is considerably more difficult than just punishing your child for disobedience. All healthy children defy their parents and if they don't they're not healthy. Those raised with punishments will typically defy by sneaking and lying. Those raised to be in relationship will do it openly and stay relational.
I want my child to work out things for herself and want her to take risks so I offer as much autonomy as I can. I also want her to know she can come to me with her mistakes and I'll support her when she needs it.