Abigail,
What’s so hard about marriage?
I’ve lived with my husband for three years now, but we’ve been married for only one. We’ve been together, and very enmeshed in each other’s lives, for about six years.
I know this sounds flippant and arrogant, but I am way happier with my husband than I ever expected to be with anyone. It’s crazy to me how much he loves me. Somehow I married this guy. How can I avoid ruining this? I am a child of divorce and I fear that somehow, without my knowing, the other shoe will drop.
I was always someone who did her homework ahead of schedule. So maybe that’s what drives my urge to understand why everyone says marriage is so hard, and to try to get ahead of it. I know if we are so lucky to have kids we will be sleep-deprived and unhappy, which makes sense, but I feel like the general cultural narrative about marriage being hard extends beyond those early childbearing years. Is it that the damage done in that phase is permanent, so you hate your husband forever?
What can I do to keep this? Should we get preventative couple’s therapy? Or is it time, now that I’m an adult, to realize that I can’t do my homework in advance? Can you future-proof your marriage?
—Grace, 29
Grace,
It’s hard to be wealthy—so much property to keep track of! Organizations and acquaintances with their hands out. Complex decisions about your estate. The nagging fear that abundance will ruin the kids.
It’s hard to live near family—always someone getting on your nerves. Asking how you’re doing, even when you wish they wouldn’t. Inviting you to their kids’ birthday parties and school plays and soccer games.
It’s hard to be beautiful—so much kinetic attention it invites. The work to maintain it, the expectation that you will. Everyone commenting on how you look, paying extra notice on the days your beauty falters. Managing the envy of friends and frenemies.
Being an American? That’s hard too. Laboring under the expectations of the world. No one looks to Portugal to stand up to China or to Belgium to guarantee open sea lanes. But Americans are forever called upon to remain strong, decent, self-correcting, and free.
