Dear Abigail,
About eight months ago, when my girlfriend and I started dating, I was up-front about my deal-breakers: staying in the New York area, building a home centered on our shared religion, and having at least three children. She agreed in principle.
I raised the three-child point at least twice more during the relationship. Each time, I felt reassured that we were aligned. Six months in, after we had fallen in love, we began discussing timelines for engagement, marriage, and children. Because we are both 33 and fertility is a real consideration, I proposed a timeline that would make three children possible. That was when she said she had never committed to three; she was only open to it, and currently wanted two.
That hit me hard. I have no reason to think my girlfriend was being intentionally deceitful; I think we misunderstood each other, or failed to recognize the difference between being open to something and being committed to it. But I come from a big family—I’m one of five—and I want to create the same dynamic: siblings, cousins, chaos, laughter, fighting, and making up.
I clarified that serious complications—miscarriage, fetal abnormality, danger to her health—would obviously reopen the conversation. I also raised options like surrogacy, and suggested making a third child conditional on me proving myself to be the attentive husband and father I expect to be. But for her, the issue was deeper. She only recently became certain she wanted children at all, has a demanding career that she prioritizes, and wants a very individualized relationship with each child, like she has with her mother. She felt uncomfortable committing to a number she does not presently want.
After six difficult weeks, I concluded that we wanted different lives, and we ended the relationship. I am still wrestling with whether I made the right decision. Some friends and family think it is reasonable to have core deal-breakers, especially ones raised early, and that wanting at least three children is not extreme. Others think it is unfair for a man to ask a woman to commit to a specific number of children, and that the difference between two and three is not meaningful enough to end a serious relationship over.
Part of me wants to call her and accept her need for flexibility. But I worry that if we ended up having only two children because she wanted to stop, I would resent her. Had her position been clear to me at the beginning, I do not think we would have continued dating. Was I right to end the relationship, or do I have unrealistic expectations?
— Adam, 33
Adam,
You located a partner who shared your goals. Laid out deal-breakers and nonnegotiables. Checked for red flags. Agreed on deal points. And when you discovered your goals no longer aligned, you dissolved the partnership.
If what you’re after is a business arrangement, you’re proceeding swimmingly. You are a dealmaker, and you expect to get what you bargained for. Thrice-married Lee Iacocca would be proud.
But marriage is not actually a negotiation—you’ve confused it with divorce.
