Dear Abigail,
I am a divorced mother of three daughters, ages 13, 11, and 7. I married young with the intention of staying married for life. Although I certainly made mistakes, the marriage ultimately ended due to my ex-husband’s infidelity. Having lived with her for several years, he married the “other woman” last month—an event that has stirred up a lot of emotions for my daughters and me.
Despite the hurt, I am committed to maintaining a cordial co-parenting relationship. He and I share custody 50-50, and I appreciate how present he is as a father. His wife treats my girls well, though blending two households is not without challenges. (They have three teenage girls.)
Last year, I felt ready to date again, and have been seeing a wonderful man for six months. We are aligned on values and, unlike my ex-husband, he shares my Catholic faith. He has never been married and does not have children, but he is kind to my girls and open to the possibility of becoming a stepfather. I can genuinely see a future with him.
The difficulty is my oldest daughter. She struggles deeply with the idea of me dating or remarrying. She is honest about her feelings, but she shuts down whenever I mention my boyfriend or the possibility of him spending time with our family. When he is around, she isolates herself; when he isn’t, she tells me how much she hates the idea of me moving on. This is particularly painful because she warmly accepts her stepmother. (My daughters do not know about the infidelity.) I will never disparage her father, but it feels unfair that his choices caused this rupture, yet the pressure is on me to protect everyone else’s feelings.
I understand my daughter’s fear. Her life has involved significant upheaval, and the security of a two-parent home was taken from her when she was young. She worries it could happen again. Yet I feel torn between honoring my daughter’s need for stability and pursuing my own long-term desire for love and companionship. I know that children of divorce often feel unheard, and I am deeply committed to making sure my daughters know their feelings matter. At the same time, I worry about holding back from my healthy, loving relationship, which might prompt my partner to walk away.
Should I continue seeing this man and trust that my daughter will eventually adjust? Or should I wait until my children are older, even if that means risking my chance at remarriage and happiness?
—Cassie, 35
Dear Cassie,
I have a colleague—I’ll call her “Amanda”—who was about the age of your eldest when her parents divorced. The circumstances were entirely different: Her mom walked out. For Amanda, the whole ordeal was devastating. More than 30 years later, her voice thickened with emotion as she told me about it.
One of the most painful points of contention between Amanda and her parents during that period had to do with therapy. Her parents insisted on it.
