Hey Abigail,
My dad passed in 2022. He wasn’t perfect—nobody is—but he was a good man. My mom, who’s 64 now, was understandably a wreck for years after she became a widow. She moved states to be closer to family, including me, and settled an hour away from my house. My wife and I would try to visit her every week, or invite her over. She often complained it wasn’t enough, but we tried to be understanding; being lonely is hard. My brother lives out of state but did what he could to try to be present and in touch with her. We encouraged her for years to make friends and even consider dating again—something she was initially 1,000 percent against.
Eventually she did start making friends, and that was going really well for a while. Then she started dating, and I thought that was good. She met a guy who’s 71 that she wanted to “go steady” with, and since then she has kind of gone silent on my brother and I. Neither of us are hurt or offended; we’re glad she’s no longer lonely and seems happy.
This guy is a problem, though. He filibusters every conversation, talking about himself, and is entirely uninterested in anyone else. He makes outlandish claims, like that he has cured his own diabetes and his congestive heart failure. He says that a 90-year-old woman pressed on his gums and cured his sciatica. As for his career, apparently Walter Isaacson should be interviewing him, because he’s more accomplished than Steve Jobs. When we get together as a family, I’m not talking to my mom—I’m listening to this guy spout off his pathological, medically impossible lies. His behavior is intolerable to a point that attempting to spend time with my mom feels like torture, because he’s always in the picture.
My wife, and my brother’s wife, also find his behavior outlandish. This isn’t a case of my brother and I begrudging our mom for being with someone new—we’re pleased she’s not alone—but I feel like I need to keep my mom at arm’s length so I don’t have to be exposed to this guy and his narcissism. I’m a Christian and I believe in the commandment that you should honor your father and mother, but this guy’s stunningly fantastical claims make it impossible to follow that commandment.
What can I do to maintain a good relationship with my mom in light of all this? If this guy could tone things down, it would probably be okay, but every time we see him there’s a new ridiculous story. I haven’t brought this up with my mom because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but things as they stand now are unsustainable.
Joshua, 42
Joshua,
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
The horse replies: “I have AIDS.”
That I’m laughing, even now, having no idea why, is part of what makes this absurd joke so great.
For some reason, God or the universe gifted us this remarkable ability—to find humor in the ridiculous. To choose not to take everything so seriously all the time. This wonderful oasis of the soul lets us sidestep so many negative emotions: outrage, anger, hurt, indignation, and disappointment. We can refuse them all and instead laugh.
