Dear Abigail,
I am lucky to have a mother and father who have been active and loving parents throughout my life. They were not the type of parents to “phone it in.” They cheered for us on the sidelines at our sporting events, attended our plays and performances, and appreciated us as individuals.
The one struggle I’ve had is that my mother seems incapable of accepting my sexuality as a gay man. I came out over a decade ago, and while it was a bumpy ride at first, it felt like we had made progress in the last few years. However, when I shared with her that I want to have a family one day with my current partner, she told me that she didn’t believe two men could raise children.
This is despite the fact that I make a great living, have a committed relationship with my partner, and am eager to be a dedicated and loving parent to my future children. She’s also expressed several times that she longs to be a grandmother, so it felt particularly painful to realize that she doesn’t want grandchildren from me. When I try to address her resistance, she invokes her faith as the reason for her struggle.
I know having two dads is different from a dad and a mom, but I’m confident in the life I could provide for my future children. And while I want my children to have a close relationship with their grandparents, it’s hard to imagine that will be possible if my parents don’t even believe in my ability to raise kids. What do I do?
—Chase, 30, Philadelphia
Chase,
At the heart of your letter, unmissable as the pain, is the fact that you are still asking your mother to be thrilled with everything about you. You even ask her to bless your nebulous aspirations to have a family “one day.”
I can feel the response you seem to be seeking from me: Have a conversation with your mother about this. Let her know it hurts you that she doesn’t embrace you fully as a gay man and especially that she doesn’t think two men could make good parents. If she can’t accept you as you truly are, then you can’t have her in your life and the lives of your future kids.
But I’m not going to tell you any of that because adulthood isn’t given, Chase. It’s taken.
At 30, it’s time to take it.
