Dear Abigail,
I’m turning 36 next month, and in a loving relationship with a man who is 31. Though he had dated before meeting me, I am his first official relationship. When we began dating, I was very clear about my timeline: I wanted to be engaged and starting a family within two years. I told him that if he wasn’t ready for that, we should part ways rather than grow attached under false assumptions. He said he wanted those things.
This June, we will have been together for two years. A proposal has still not come.
Last spring, we spoke explicitly about getting engaged, but a few months later he told me he needed more time—another year or so—and offered to pay for me to freeze my eggs, which we are doing this month.
Since then, however, the goalposts have continued to move. He now says that—although he wants these things with me—he isn’t ready to move in together, get engaged, or have children, and that he needs at least two more years. When I ask why he isn’t ready, the reasons change: sometimes it’s work, sometimes finances, sometimes needing more independence, sometimes simply “not yet.”
Three of his close friends are currently pregnant or have just had babies, and this summer we’re attending two of his friends’ weddings. Over the holidays, his mother told me—intentionally within his earshot—that she wants to help plan our wedding. He smiled when he heard it. He seems genuinely moved by the lives his peers are building, and often talks about valuing family. He comes from an immigrant family and is self-made—the youngest partner at his trading firm. And he is the primary provider for his mother, who is a single parent, supporting her and his 20-year-old sister.
I see his tenderness, especially with his sister. He’s even said that when we have a child, he hopes it’s a girl. Yet none of this translates into forward motion for us.
What makes this decision even harder is the broader dating landscape. Many of my close friends—women my age—are still on apps, searching for a partner who genuinely loves and respects them. I see how difficult it can be. Knowing this makes me appreciate what I have with him, and it raises the stakes of walking away from a relationship that is loving and stable—even if it feels stalled.
My fear is not that he doesn’t love me but that he may never feel “ready”—and that my waiting will quietly cost me the chance to have the family I want. I love him deeply. I genuinely believe he would be a wonderful father. If I could, I would start a family tomorrow. But at what point do I accept that his timeline may never align with mine? When does love require staying—and when does self-respect require leaving to search for a partner who is ready now?
Sincerely,
Jane, 35
Jane,
Every week, people write to me. Many of their predicaments challenge me. Some confound me. Others surprise. Yours is rarest of all: It fills me with horror.
If a man you’ve dated for two years asks you to undergo invasive surgery so that he can take indefinitely more time to decide whether he wants to marry you, he is a manipulative man or a very weak one—in practice, those are often the same.
