I’m 40 and married with three kids ages 2, 4, and 6, and I’m not in love with my husband of eight years anymore. Or I should say that, sometimes, I get periods of grace where I fall in love with him again for a few days or weeks. But often, at least half the time, I’m just going through the motions when I say, “I love you,” or kiss him, or agree to have sex. I try and try. I really do. We’ve done couples therapy, I make lists of the things I’m grateful for about him, and I try to be loving and gracious even when I don’t feel loving and gracious. How long do I try? I don’t want to wreck my kids’ lives or his life or our financial future. Do I raise the kids to young adults and then reevaluate? Do I leave sooner so he/we have another chance at love? Is this just what long-term monogamy feels like? Any words of wisdom for me?
Sincerely,
Eleanor
Eleanor,
Allow me to dispense with a lie at the get-go—a lie you’ve been told all your life, starting in grade school by a well-meaning teacher: “There are no stupid questions.” Eleanor, there are stupid questions. Really, truly there are. All adults know it.
A question is stupid when answering it only leads us further from anything true, meaningful, or useful. When having an “answer” is unambiguously worse than not having one.
A paramedic who asks, “What’s this patient’s astrological sign?” before starting treatment is asking a stupid question because it’s not remotely germane. It lacks any salience at a critical moment. It leads him away from the truth.
I’m not insulting the question you have put to me, which is vital. I’m referring to the question you keep putting to yourself.
