Welcome back to The Free Press’s news satire, which would be pulled off the air after 20 minutes if I were allowed on camera. Nexstar Media Group: Read no further. Nothing to see here, move along.
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Let’s get to the news.
→ Fallout from a political assassination: The killing of Charlie Kirk is the highest profile political assassination in years, and the fallout across the right and left is showing just how unhinged our political reality is. And also, just how many political realities there are. Let’s begin with what the normie resistance moms are hearing—and by that, I mean let’s begin with ABC News. There, the dashing reporter Matt Gutman comes on to describe the beauty of the messages our suspected assassin was sending to his lover. The alleged killer’s text messages were. . .
. . . very touching, in a way, that I think many of us didn’t expect—a very intimate portrait into this relationship between the suspect’s roommate and the suspect himself, with him repeatedly calling his roommate, who is transitioning, calling him ‘my love.’ And ‘I want to protect you, my love.’ So, it was this duality of someone who the attorney said not only jeopardized the life of Charlie Kirk and the crowd, but was doing it in front of children, which is one of the aggravating circumstances of this case. And then, on the other hand, he was, you know, speaking so lovingly about his partner.
Okay, so the message they’re getting is love. He killed for love. Like Romeo. ABC, are we rooting for the man whose love knows no bounds? I kind of think so! (Gutman later apologized, to his credit. Also, when you have a head of hair like that as a middle-aged man, I’m sorry, but you can say whatever you want.) Meanwhile, CNN’s national security analyst said of the suspected killer, “there is no dominant political ideology. Instead it’s a stew of irony, violence, gaming fetish, and Discord.” Hmm. Okay, so for the normies: It’s love, or it’s gaming. The messages were so mixed, so meme-heavy, it’s just impossible to decode them. May as well give up there. Stop reading the bullets!
