Hello, and welcome back! This is TGIF, where we insert bias into news stories. This is also where I do my editorial meddling. As the onetime co-owner of The Free Press, this is my corporate interference mission-control station. It’s great to have you here in the nerve center of the media cabal. Let’s get to it.
→ Trump election integrity speech: I think he’s losing his showman touch because, for me at least, the president’s big election integrity address Thursday night was a little boring. He said that China obtained 220 million voter files with personal information, which I’m sure did happen, but they probably just googled it (or whatever CCP-friendly search engine they have over there). Like, I bet I could obtain 220 million voter files tonight pretty easily. Then he went after the noncitizen voter situation. The White House take: “According to a DHS review of state voter rolls and public records, they identified approximately 278,000 noncitizens who are registered to vote in federal elections.” I always assumed it was more than that, so this is only good news to me. And Trump went back to Michigan 2020, like I go back to Burning Man 2010—formative times for each of us. From the clean transcript they posted: “The documents state that some canvassers admitted to FBI agents that they signed voter registration forms in other people’s names, submitted fraudulent registrations for people who did not exist, and received gift cards tied to the number of applications they produced.” At this point I was assuming a big speech would have some new plans. Are we going to war with China? What about war with Georgia? If not, why are we staying up so late, honey? Even Trump knew it wasn’t his most exciting spin at the podium. His usual four-hour speech format was a brisk and crisp hour.
→ Anyone know how this new Trump scam works?: I’m curious about a new scheme from our White House. I’m not mad; I’m just legitimately curious (this is usually my opening line in a fight, but this time I really mean it). It’s called Freedom Fuel. It’s a new network of gas stations that sells gas below market rate. It came out of nowhere and was registered as an LLC in Delaware on June 23, and you just know whoever buys gas there is getting extorted in some way. It’s being promoted by Trump, who wrote on July 1:
As we approach America’s 250th Birthday, I am pleased to announce that a VERY smart Retailer, located throughout the Northeast, is stepping up, and wishing the People of Philadelphia a “Happy Birthday!” On July 3rd, the Freedom Fuel Network will be lowering gas prices at 25 “FREEDOM FUEL” Stations across the Greater Philadelphia Area. This Retailer is taking the lead, and others should follow. They are doing this because they love the U.S.A.
Hmm. Readers, my question: What’s the scam here? How does it work? Literally no one knows. If you get gas from a Freedom Fuel station, does it steal your routing number? Is the station a money-laundering front to help wash the $MELANIA coins?
Every explanation brings only more questions:
Just tell me—I promise no one’s going to jail (clearly).
In mini-scam news, a White House teleprompter operator made $100,000 betting on the contents of Trump’s speeches because well, he had those speeches early. So he’d go onto Kalshi with it. You know what I say: Good for him! These aren’t public stock markets. Why not let people barter their information tidbits (I’m sure there are a million reasons, like pilots betting on plane crashes or something, but my heart says let freedom ring). A little subtle inside info is what bigwigs move on all the time. Leave the teleprompter guy alone.
→ Joe Biden’s memoir: Joe Biden this week announced his new memoir coming out in November, called Promise Me, America. I keep repeating the title out loud to sort of understand the tone. I guess it’s supposed to be like, promise me you’ll do good. Like a “keep your head up, kid, I’ll be watching from the sky.” But it reads more like, “America was promised to me on my Christmas list.” Anyway, he released a video announcing the book, and it’s very sad to watch. Biden has declined further, as happens in life. The camera cuts every two seconds. His voice is slurred and hushed. Some of his longer words are barely intelligible. After 80, why even be on camera? Who is the one saying “we need him to be doing more on-camera stuff”? And why do I feel like Dr. Jill is gearing up to get him onto Dancing with the Stars?
I don’t say this to be mean. The brutal hands of time come for all of us, if we’re lucky. I say this because the mainstream American media tried to convince us that Biden was completely capable of serving a second term, and that it was conspiratorial and ageist to question it. Does anyone else remember Robert Hur’s report and how brutally he was dragged for it?
Please, Bidens, let this man retire from public life. He’s earned his cantaloupe, and to eat it in peace.
→ J.D. Vance and Joe Rogan, just two guys guessing: Vice President J.D. Vance went on Joe Rogan’s podcast this week to bat around ideas. Just two bros, hanging out, theorizing, gaming out which governments are controlling ours, maybe sharing a bison steak afterward.
Here’s our vice president on Jeffrey Epstein: “He clearly had connections to the upper—the highest levels of American intelligence. He clearly had connections to the highest levels of Israeli intelligence. . . . I’ve asked, ‘Were there documents connecting Jeffrey Epstein directly to our intelligence agencies or anybody else’s?’ And the answer is no. But if that shit existed, it wouldn’t exist in 2026.” Okay, so the implication is that Epstein was an Israeli-American spy and we destroyed the evidence. Next up!
On the war with Iran, here’s the maybe future president, the guy who would replace the current, 80-year-old one: “There are some people within their system, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, who are manipulating and trying to change American public opinion to keep the war going on indefinitely. Again, not toward any objective, but just indefinitely.” And there is a “very discreet, extremely well-funded. . . literal foreign-influence campaign being funded to tank” a deal with Iran. Right. I get the gist.
I don’t think J.D.’s all bad—I loved his memoir, and I love Usha, and I love chickens. Sorry! But I have no doubt that he knows what he’s doing here. As president, J.D. would be our Conspiracist in Chief. It would be bad for the Jews, probably, and bad for liberals and cat ladies certainly, but it would also be bad for things like Wi-Fi. It would be bad for moon landing museums and for planes that leave water vapor behind in the sky. Every day under Trumpo brings a new scamo. Every day with J.D. would bring an interesting new conspiracy. There’s a chance that once he was elected we would lose him in various secret presidential archives, never to be seen again in public, driven mad over JFK photo analytics. I’m very susceptible to conspiracies once I hear about them, so I’d be there, probably boiling my toothpaste by the end of his presidency. Speaking of guys who like vibing about stuff. . .
→ Nick Fuentes and Hunter Biden collab: Hunter Biden, son of Joe, sat in a motel room for a high-level policy discussion with far-right commentator Nick Fuentes and moderated by journalist Andrew Callaghan, TMZ reports. Here they are, two antiheroes of the realm:
This is Hunter Biden, who until very recently was sitting in on White House meetings with his father. And he’s in a motel room with Nick Fuentes, an open white supremacist, a tiny elf in stature, a figure previously considered wildly radical and out of bounds. But it’s all quiet on the New York Times and BBC front. Nothing to see here. Crickets. All of their rage is saved for slightly more moderate libs or normie conservatives. Nick Fuentes is just for fun! And who doesn’t love a good time? ¡Fuentestico!
→ Gender-affirming care for all: Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has announced that the government is now going to provide testosterone replacement therapy to troops. He’s calling it “The High-T Department of War.”
“I’m authorizing a new screening program for testosterone deficiency for our service members.” And: “This initiative, it’s not about artificial enhancement. It’s about restoring and optimizing your natural capabilities.” Injecting yourself with testosterone cypionate or enanthate is not artificial enhancement. It’s just rediscovering your natural self, says our chief war man. Also: Breast implants are not artificial, they are a repair; they are the large, perky tits you were supposed to have at age 50 but modern life and evil feminists took from you. We’re simply going back to the natural order of things—and restoring your natural capabilities. Botox is required now too, since you can’t be expected to wage drone warfare with crow’s feet.
Honestly, I support this. I’m pro-optimizing! Give ’em the drugs. Boost up, baby. I’m too lazy and beautiful for plastic surgery, personally, but when I see someone nipped and tucked I salute them. I think to myself: That’s another valiant soldier fighting certain death. We have one life to live—why not risk it all for an extra whistle or two at a construction site? I’m serious. God be with you, I think, when I see a 60-something woman with pillowy, billowy lips. Mine are two pieces of linguini, soon spaghetti, eventually angel hair. In our new, optimized future, people like me will look like Día de los Muertos costumes here for a haunting.
Speaking of aging. . .
