Welcome back to where we do the news. Another week with the help of Sascha Seinfeld. It brings me no pleasure to report, but she is excellent. I’m training a whole phalanx of TG soldiers to rise in my eventual (soon? tomorrow?) retirement. I’ve been loving our new show Old School, if you haven’t had a chance to listen, the latest is with Fareed Zakaria. In other news. . .
→ The Cologne Summit: This week, Trump met with Syria’s president Ahmad al-Sharaa, a.k.a. Abu Mohammad al-Jolani, a.k.a. a once extremely wanted al-Qaeda commander. They wanted him bad. Almost as bad as I wanted Hillary. Anyway, at the end of the meeting Trump sprayed both sides of Jolani’s neck with “Victory 45-47,” his $249 cologne. “It’s the best fragrance,” he told the room. “And then the other one is for your wife,” Trump said to Jolani. “How many wives? One?” Jolani laughed: “One.” “With you guys, I never know,” Trump said, beaming. Smells like Eau de Jihadi.
Syria’s foreign minister, Asaad al-Shaibani, also got a spritz. I’m now convinced Trump’s true calling was to work at the Bloomingdale’s fragrance department—standing in a lobby, waving scent strips, making wisecracks and smacking strangers on the back, all “The scent makes the man!” There’s a moment when Jolani tries to pull away, tries to indicate that one spray was enough, sir, thank you, but Trump insists, and finally Jolani presents the other side of his neck to be doused in heavy musk. That’s when you know you have the sale.
Jolani’s visit marked a rare visit to the White House by a Syrian leader (the first since 1946). Until recently, he was labeled a global terrorist with a $10 million bounty on his head (the U.S. bounty is still posted!). He’d spent years detained at U.S. military facilities after being captured by American forces in Iraq.
“He comes from a very tough place, and he’s a tough guy,” Trump told reporters. “I like him.”
Now, before going to the White House to be doused in Essence of Trump, Jolani was seen playing basketball with top U.S. military officials. He makes a clean three-pointer. He looks so cool and hip. Whenever you think your life is boxed in or that things can’t change, just think of Jolani. And to the Syrian delegation, that rash you get on any skin exposed to the Oval Office this week is not the start of a biological weapons program; it’s Victory 47. The perfect gift for everyone on your list this year. While supplies last.
