Hello, and welcome back to TGIF with me, your corrupt host. And tune in to our mascot Joe Nocera’s new Free Press podcast, The Lindbergh Conspiracies. Oh, you bet we’re getting into true crime.
→ Massie lost but don’t worry, the party continues: The great all-our-problems-are-Israel coalition unifier, Kentucky Republican congressman Thomas Massie, lost his primary race this week. The far left and far right are very upset. Democratic Rep. Ro Khanna of California cried out that “He lost because he had the guts to take on the Epstein class.” It’s always fun to hear new dog whistles for Jews. Last week it was globalists, this week Epstein class, maybe next week we’ll get “Spielberg’s ilk.” A girl can dream. Or here’s Senator Chris Murphy, a Democrat from Connecticut: “So there you have it. If you lead a campaign against powerful pedophiles, you get drummed out of the Republican Party.” Anyway, Massie lost the race to be a congressman, which is a little like losing a race to become, I don’t know, a septic tank cleaner. What I’m saying is it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. A lot more paperwork than you thought, and still, it’s mostly shit. And now I’m sure he’ll get rich on the new hard-right populist podcast circuit. It’s booming. Did you know that the new coalition of “Questions Regarding the Holocaust” is having a conference? Sorry, that’s not fair, they are just Men Who Perceive All Problems Jewishly. Yes, they’re gathering at a convention center in Dallas. The speakers have lots of beliefs that really appall people, like that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote in elections anymore. But let’s not focus on that, they say, not today. That’s not important. What’s important is the Epstein Class controlling everything. And lo, Americans are into it. It’s relaxing to think that there’s just this one skeleton key that makes everything magic and good. Any niche political ideologies that you want to get through fast, just attach it to being anti-Epstein. Women voting is vaguely Zionist, did you know that? Suffrage kind of sounds like Pentateuch, if you squint a little.
The only little tiny glimmer here that I see is the apparent drop-off in Massie support in the 17–25 crowd, from a poll taken a week before the election. Maybe their brains have been less rotted by China’s TikTok warfare against American morale? Or maybe Massie is too soft for them.
→ This is a Dem who is, so far winning, her primary: Lest you think there are only Massies on the right, here’s Maureen Galindo, who finished first in her Texas district’s congressional primary, moving ahead to a runoff next week. Galindo wrote that she will “turn Karnes ICE Detention Center into a prison for American Zionists and former ICE officers for human trafficking. (It will also be a castration processing center for pedophiles which will probably be most of the Zionists).” Don’t you just love when a politician has a light touch? It’s been missing from our discourse, I think, this level of civility and thoughtfulness. She later explained: “Putting Zionist billionaires in prison does not mean putting all Jews in internment camps.” Thank you for that clarification. Hands up if you’re relieved!
→ The IRS can never audit a Trump: It’s been a doozy of a week in President Trump Corruption Watch. It was too many corruptions, a scheme behind every gold picture frame. This week, after Trump sued the IRS for the leak of his tax returns (not cool guys), the government agreed to never audit Trump, his family, or his businesses again, which means Trump is never paying taxes again, my friends, if he ever even did. But there’s something worse. The government also moved to provide a new $1.8 billion slush fund—the “Anti-Weaponization Fund”—for Trump to give away to any of his allies who believe they were victimized by the Biden administration. A truth-and-reconciliation cash grab. I can only assume being victimized by the Biden administration means not getting an email back from the White House. Victimization is doing Meatless Mondays in the EEOB, right. Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche says the fund will be “a lawful process for victims of lawfare and weaponization to be heard and seek redress.” To be clear, that is $1.8 billion (actually, $1.776 billion; yes, it’s a 1776 reference, obviously) that is being taken from taxpayers and given to whoever exactly is a victim of Biden. Anyway, aren’t we all sort of Biden victims in that we had to watch while everyone pretended a lovely but senile old man was president? That caused me distress. Can I apply for some cash?
