This week we lost a pop culture icon in Ozzy Osbourne, the heavy metal legend otherwise known as the Prince of Darkness. (He was accused, many times, of promoting Satanism.) But I first encountered him not as part of a band or even as a musician, but as a madcap patriarch.
Rest in Peace Ozzy Osbourne, Reality Star
When I was growing up, I had no idea what Black Sabbath was, but you better believe I knew about Ozzy Osbourne. That’s because he and his family were a part of mine. In the early 2000s, around when my dad started calling the TV the “idiot box,” the early reality show The Osbournes was often on in our den. Watching that show was like peering into a portal into an alternate universe where dads had tattoos and daughters might decide to give themselves a pink mohawk on a Tuesday morning before school. Dinner guests might include Courtney Love or Marilyn Manson. The only rule in the Osbourne house was: No rules allowed.
But despite all the goth haircuts, nutty outfits, and questionable parenting styles—there was a house manager/nanny named Melinda who the kids, Jack and Kelly, bullied viciously—the Osbournes were the perfect American family. Or at least, the perfect one to watch. They were rich, they were rude, and they’d go berserk on each other until eventually they’d tire themselves out, crash, and then get up to do it again the next day. That’s why the show was so great, and oddly relatable.
While he was hardly Mr. Rogers, in his way, for a time, Ozzy was America’s dad. He awkwardly tried to bond with his troubled son, Jack, who would occasionally run around the house in tactical gear wielding a knife. He fought relentlessly against getting more pets—the Osbournes had a pack of Pomeranians and other tiny dogs—and would hit the wall when they peed on the furniture. When Kelly came home with a tattoo he panicked, “Have you told Mummy?” He couldn’t pronounce the word sashimi to save his life.
Ozzy’s speech was mostly incomprehensible except for the many expletives that he’d shove into every sentence he spoke, and his signature mating call, which reverberated through their mansion: Shaaaaaaaron!!!
But his mumbling was part of what made him lovable. What exactly Ozzy was going on about in any given situation wasn’t really important; you could tell when he was confused, exasperated, bemused, or when he just gave up. It was a reliable cycle.
