It takes failure and then overcoming that failure to develop self-esteem. Kids fear failure and parents no longer encourage it… that those same children then lack self-esteem is no surprise, the surprise is that we continue to promote the same “safety” at the expense of human development
It takes failure and then overcoming that failure to develop self-esteem. Kids fear failure and parents no longer encourage it… that those same children then lack self-esteem is no surprise, the surprise is that we continue to promote the same “safety” at the expense of human development
Let them fail and keep trying. If they cry/throw a tantrum, tell them to try again
I have little kids too
We gotta let them fail & learn from mistakes
Also independent, unstructured play. Always. Nothing scheduled. No activities. We tell them "go in the backyard & play on your own" if its nice out. If weather is bad "go play in the basement"
I really fought with myself about the organized sports thing bc I always figured my kids would play sports- I liked it and learned a lot of great lessons from them. But the schedules are brutal- we did one season of T-Ball and never again.
Ironically, many of my kids tantrums happen during their copious amounts of unstructured outdoor play time!! They have ‘rage to perfection’ big time.
yea the schedules are too much. esp "travel sports" is something I don't want to do. I talk to parents who do "travel sports", they basically spend M-F working, then their weekends (which are supposed to be your well-deserved time off!) are spent waking up at 4:30am to drive 3 hours to another state, spend the entire day there, and then drive back 3 hours. this is every weekend. These people are Exhausted. And its super expensive!
When I was a kid, I did school sports (jr high, high school) so my parents didnt drive me, the bus drove me, and I did park district which I rode my bike there. I would totally let my kids do school sports if school is driving them. No problem. When they are older, I'm fine letting them do park district, though I would limit it to 1 sport at a time. but no travel sports. I'm not going to spend every weekend suffering all day.
The expense in both time and money is absurd. We mess around on the tennis courts, but I’ve also realized how young they still are to really be pushed too hard. Which has been hard to wrap my mind around compared to how I was raised.
I'm venture that all parents face a similar problem. The difference is for almost all of human history, adults had no choice but to force their kids to keep going because food had to be put on the table. Now, life is also way too easy for most adults, and we aren't dealing with it any better than the kids are. Exercise, fresh air, and some manufactured hardships have helped me... though no idea what difference that makes to others. That, and forcing myself to try to learn something tangible. Whether it's household projects, getting chickens (are current foray), learning to hunt, whatever. I try to keep challenging myself to learn tangible skills so my children can see the benefit of struggling, redoing, struggling again, and slowly figuring it out. I'm not sure I have any better advice than giving kids something to strive for, allowing them to fail, and rewarding performance (as long as that performance was EARNED).
And, my eternal plea for service. One of the best things you can do for children, especially in an era where social media is just fake perfect lives and kids (and many adults) come to believe that's reality (especially because of how class-divided most communities are these days), is allow them to not only see what difficulty looks like, but to step up and make a real difference and learn about both themselves and the world around them from understanding those differences. We ALL could use more service in our life, but perhaps children who are driven to school, and driven to soccer practice where they practice on perfectly manicured fields in new cleats every year watching their ipad between games while they sip on designer beverages (I'm mocking myself now, not you if you're reading this) could use it the most...
I agree service & volunteering in the community are very beneficial for kids
Senator Ben Sasse of Nebraska sends his 3 kids to farms and ranches in Nebraska to learn life lessons. I hope to do this with my kids when they are a bit older!
"The Vanishing American Adult: Our Coming-of-Age Crisis and How to Rebuild a Culture of Self-Reliance"
Senator Sasse: "We want them to get dirt under their fingernails," he said, "and we want them to have to get up at 4:30 a.m. when they don't want to."
He says these experiences help build "scar tissue for the soul."
"I think we are doing a bad job of helping our kids understand that they have resiliency," he said. "Persevering and getting through hardship makes you tough."
"I think this category of perpetual adolescence, it's a new thing, and it's a dangerous thing. Adolescence is intentionally transitioning from childhood to adulthood. Being stuck in adolescence — that's a hell. Peter Pan is a dystopia, and we forget that. Neverland is a bad place to be. It is good for kids to learn how to work. Right now, we're acting like keeping our kids free from work is a way to treat them really nicely, when in reality thoughtful parenting wants to help free our kids to find meaning in work."
I was definitely chauffeured to many horse shows and soccer practices when I was younger, but then as a consequence of divorce, basically left to fend for myself after 15. No drivers license until my boyfriend drove me to the DMV at 18, I’d travel 6+ hours by train and bus, NYC to NH, to get between my parents. (Nothing I would ever trust my kids to do, and looking back, I’m horrified that I did it.) Having seen all ends of it, both as a kid, and now as a teacher and mom, there are so many variables and ‘ways to skin the cat.’
My kids are still young- 6 and 8, and many things come naturally to them. But my daughter is in choir this spring, didn’t get a solo, likes it enough to keep going, but is also exhausted with it. So that has been a good experience.
In one of my last posts, I discussed how the ‘parenting-industrial complex’ is harming kids, and so much of it is wrapped up in that projection of perfect lifestyle. I’m implementing parent outreach in my community to try and shift the culture.
I agree w/ you about ‘parenting-industrial complex’ harming kids & projection of perfect lifestyle. Social media destroys kids/teens & causes anxiety/depression/suicide. One thing that I like about myself: I could care less what people think of me & peer pressure has Zero effect on me. I don't use social media or show off my lifestyle. If anything, I try to hide my wealth. My husband & I both grew up without much money, now we are doing well via hard work. But I want my kids to experience as much hardship as possible. For their future well-being. We don't do any scheduled activities. My mom friends try to convince me but I'm not doing it. LOL. We send them to the yard to play on their own or the basement to play on their own. We go to the neighborhood playground.
I'm also doing this (no smartphones/smart devices til 8th grade, they will have no-data simple phones):
Congrats on the third! I also have a one year old but she is quite persistent. 😅 I have heard of wait until 8th and completely agree. But I am also hopeful that we are at *peak woke* etc and there will be a cultural correction.
It takes failure and then overcoming that failure to develop self-esteem. Kids fear failure and parents no longer encourage it… that those same children then lack self-esteem is no surprise, the surprise is that we continue to promote the same “safety” at the expense of human development
This is an ongoing battle with my young children! If something doesn’t work the first time, they are over it.
Let them fail and keep trying. If they cry/throw a tantrum, tell them to try again
I have little kids too
We gotta let them fail & learn from mistakes
Also independent, unstructured play. Always. Nothing scheduled. No activities. We tell them "go in the backyard & play on your own" if its nice out. If weather is bad "go play in the basement"
I really fought with myself about the organized sports thing bc I always figured my kids would play sports- I liked it and learned a lot of great lessons from them. But the schedules are brutal- we did one season of T-Ball and never again.
Ironically, many of my kids tantrums happen during their copious amounts of unstructured outdoor play time!! They have ‘rage to perfection’ big time.
lol yea we get a lot of tantrums too
yea the schedules are too much. esp "travel sports" is something I don't want to do. I talk to parents who do "travel sports", they basically spend M-F working, then their weekends (which are supposed to be your well-deserved time off!) are spent waking up at 4:30am to drive 3 hours to another state, spend the entire day there, and then drive back 3 hours. this is every weekend. These people are Exhausted. And its super expensive!
When I was a kid, I did school sports (jr high, high school) so my parents didnt drive me, the bus drove me, and I did park district which I rode my bike there. I would totally let my kids do school sports if school is driving them. No problem. When they are older, I'm fine letting them do park district, though I would limit it to 1 sport at a time. but no travel sports. I'm not going to spend every weekend suffering all day.
The expense in both time and money is absurd. We mess around on the tennis courts, but I’ve also realized how young they still are to really be pushed too hard. Which has been hard to wrap my mind around compared to how I was raised.
I'm venture that all parents face a similar problem. The difference is for almost all of human history, adults had no choice but to force their kids to keep going because food had to be put on the table. Now, life is also way too easy for most adults, and we aren't dealing with it any better than the kids are. Exercise, fresh air, and some manufactured hardships have helped me... though no idea what difference that makes to others. That, and forcing myself to try to learn something tangible. Whether it's household projects, getting chickens (are current foray), learning to hunt, whatever. I try to keep challenging myself to learn tangible skills so my children can see the benefit of struggling, redoing, struggling again, and slowly figuring it out. I'm not sure I have any better advice than giving kids something to strive for, allowing them to fail, and rewarding performance (as long as that performance was EARNED).
And, my eternal plea for service. One of the best things you can do for children, especially in an era where social media is just fake perfect lives and kids (and many adults) come to believe that's reality (especially because of how class-divided most communities are these days), is allow them to not only see what difficulty looks like, but to step up and make a real difference and learn about both themselves and the world around them from understanding those differences. We ALL could use more service in our life, but perhaps children who are driven to school, and driven to soccer practice where they practice on perfectly manicured fields in new cleats every year watching their ipad between games while they sip on designer beverages (I'm mocking myself now, not you if you're reading this) could use it the most...
I agree service & volunteering in the community are very beneficial for kids
Senator Ben Sasse of Nebraska sends his 3 kids to farms and ranches in Nebraska to learn life lessons. I hope to do this with my kids when they are a bit older!
"The Vanishing American Adult: Our Coming-of-Age Crisis and How to Rebuild a Culture of Self-Reliance"
https://www.npr.org/2017/05/16/528475092/no-more-neverland-a-senators-guide-to-raising-american-adults
Senator Sasse: "We want them to get dirt under their fingernails," he said, "and we want them to have to get up at 4:30 a.m. when they don't want to."
He says these experiences help build "scar tissue for the soul."
"I think we are doing a bad job of helping our kids understand that they have resiliency," he said. "Persevering and getting through hardship makes you tough."
"I think this category of perpetual adolescence, it's a new thing, and it's a dangerous thing. Adolescence is intentionally transitioning from childhood to adulthood. Being stuck in adolescence — that's a hell. Peter Pan is a dystopia, and we forget that. Neverland is a bad place to be. It is good for kids to learn how to work. Right now, we're acting like keeping our kids free from work is a way to treat them really nicely, when in reality thoughtful parenting wants to help free our kids to find meaning in work."
I was definitely chauffeured to many horse shows and soccer practices when I was younger, but then as a consequence of divorce, basically left to fend for myself after 15. No drivers license until my boyfriend drove me to the DMV at 18, I’d travel 6+ hours by train and bus, NYC to NH, to get between my parents. (Nothing I would ever trust my kids to do, and looking back, I’m horrified that I did it.) Having seen all ends of it, both as a kid, and now as a teacher and mom, there are so many variables and ‘ways to skin the cat.’
My kids are still young- 6 and 8, and many things come naturally to them. But my daughter is in choir this spring, didn’t get a solo, likes it enough to keep going, but is also exhausted with it. So that has been a good experience.
In one of my last posts, I discussed how the ‘parenting-industrial complex’ is harming kids, and so much of it is wrapped up in that projection of perfect lifestyle. I’m implementing parent outreach in my community to try and shift the culture.
My kids are 6 & 4 & expecting a third
I agree w/ you about ‘parenting-industrial complex’ harming kids & projection of perfect lifestyle. Social media destroys kids/teens & causes anxiety/depression/suicide. One thing that I like about myself: I could care less what people think of me & peer pressure has Zero effect on me. I don't use social media or show off my lifestyle. If anything, I try to hide my wealth. My husband & I both grew up without much money, now we are doing well via hard work. But I want my kids to experience as much hardship as possible. For their future well-being. We don't do any scheduled activities. My mom friends try to convince me but I'm not doing it. LOL. We send them to the yard to play on their own or the basement to play on their own. We go to the neighborhood playground.
I'm also doing this (no smartphones/smart devices til 8th grade, they will have no-data simple phones):
https://www.waituntil8th.org/
Congrats on the third! I also have a one year old but she is quite persistent. 😅 I have heard of wait until 8th and completely agree. But I am also hopeful that we are at *peak woke* etc and there will be a cultural correction.