I've watched two white male friends die deaths of despair. Both were fatherless. Bloodworth mentions alcoholic fathers, violent sons of bitches, and that's always been a problem for some, but since he was growing up in the 80s, post-second wave feminism, I can't help but wonder whether this movement escalated that alcoholism and rage, be…
I've watched two white male friends die deaths of despair. Both were fatherless. Bloodworth mentions alcoholic fathers, violent sons of bitches, and that's always been a problem for some, but since he was growing up in the 80s, post-second wave feminism, I can't help but wonder whether this movement escalated that alcoholism and rage, because I credit feminism and other progressive narratives with our current epidemic of loneliness, these deaths of despair. The message is that we don't need men, isn't it? And what drives men, on a fundamental level, is providing for their family. To take away the obligation to provide, to serve as 'head' of the family, you take away a vehicle for purpose and pride. Add to this a denigrating narrative on the working class -- salt of the earth occupations -- mocking Christians and "family values" and what you get is plain chaos.
One white male friend (he was gay) -- he and I connected over our father's deaths when we were young. He worked as a sort of companion for the elderly, and seeing how they go out -- lonely and forgotten -- depending on hired help -- facilitated his decline into alcoholism, which killed him. The last time I saw him, he was yellow, and couldn't eat.
The other one, his father left his family and had little to do with them; the mother and children were supported by the church (in Holland).
The Dutch friend never found his place in the world, despite loyal friends, and his sisters. His wife had the elite job, and he too slipped into alcoholism. Part of what brought on the alcoholism was the lack of a father. Sisters helping him get a job. Women succeeding, him failing. His wife eventually quit the marriage, but in the end, it was his ex-wife who held his hand as he died of loneliness (due to the lockdown, when he had nothing to do but drink himself to death).
As my mother's days appear to be numbered, I've been writing cards with holiday memories, which brings up so much wistfulness. I'm among the many "unintentionally childless" people (1 in 4) who face an even lonelier demise with no children to advocate for us. I'm traveling back in time to suburban streets shrieking with kids; families gathered on lawns in their Easter best for photographs before driving off to church, family dinners -- this collective social world resides in my memory alone, it seems a thing of the past. As a kid, I was always holding babies; I haven't held a baby in thirty years -- my nephews (late 20s, early 30s) appear to be headed down the childless road despite the modeling of a sound marriage in their parents...most of the people I work with are childless and live alone...
There's an epidemic of abandoned bodies -- people of more diverse social classes ending up in unmarked graves. Loosening the morals on marriage and family is, in part, responsible for this. In a presentation I gave recently on dying alone, the social-justice bent of the audience was one of hubris. They cared more about inmates dying alone in their cells (ironically, inmates don't die alone) than the story of a 74-year-old childless career woman who died alone in her bathtub, unknown until her decomposing body stunk up the building. They insisted that their "chosen" families were superior to creating blood families. Hubris.
I've watched two white male friends die deaths of despair. Both were fatherless. Bloodworth mentions alcoholic fathers, violent sons of bitches, and that's always been a problem for some, but since he was growing up in the 80s, post-second wave feminism, I can't help but wonder whether this movement escalated that alcoholism and rage, because I credit feminism and other progressive narratives with our current epidemic of loneliness, these deaths of despair. The message is that we don't need men, isn't it? And what drives men, on a fundamental level, is providing for their family. To take away the obligation to provide, to serve as 'head' of the family, you take away a vehicle for purpose and pride. Add to this a denigrating narrative on the working class -- salt of the earth occupations -- mocking Christians and "family values" and what you get is plain chaos.
One white male friend (he was gay) -- he and I connected over our father's deaths when we were young. He worked as a sort of companion for the elderly, and seeing how they go out -- lonely and forgotten -- depending on hired help -- facilitated his decline into alcoholism, which killed him. The last time I saw him, he was yellow, and couldn't eat.
The other one, his father left his family and had little to do with them; the mother and children were supported by the church (in Holland).
The Dutch friend never found his place in the world, despite loyal friends, and his sisters. His wife had the elite job, and he too slipped into alcoholism. Part of what brought on the alcoholism was the lack of a father. Sisters helping him get a job. Women succeeding, him failing. His wife eventually quit the marriage, but in the end, it was his ex-wife who held his hand as he died of loneliness (due to the lockdown, when he had nothing to do but drink himself to death).
As my mother's days appear to be numbered, I've been writing cards with holiday memories, which brings up so much wistfulness. I'm among the many "unintentionally childless" people (1 in 4) who face an even lonelier demise with no children to advocate for us. I'm traveling back in time to suburban streets shrieking with kids; families gathered on lawns in their Easter best for photographs before driving off to church, family dinners -- this collective social world resides in my memory alone, it seems a thing of the past. As a kid, I was always holding babies; I haven't held a baby in thirty years -- my nephews (late 20s, early 30s) appear to be headed down the childless road despite the modeling of a sound marriage in their parents...most of the people I work with are childless and live alone...
There's an epidemic of abandoned bodies -- people of more diverse social classes ending up in unmarked graves. Loosening the morals on marriage and family is, in part, responsible for this. In a presentation I gave recently on dying alone, the social-justice bent of the audience was one of hubris. They cared more about inmates dying alone in their cells (ironically, inmates don't die alone) than the story of a 74-year-old childless career woman who died alone in her bathtub, unknown until her decomposing body stunk up the building. They insisted that their "chosen" families were superior to creating blood families. Hubris.
Absolutely beautiful comment.