Beautiful! I can totally relate to being so in love with my little munchkins (that was my term of endearment for my 4 kids) that nothing else mattered--including my husband, their dad, for a while. (We all had to adjust to parenthood.) But as they reach the teen years, I am definitely experiencing nostalgia for the time when I felt that I mattered and they sincerely loved me. They of course might still love me but breaking up is hard to do--and that's what the teen years feels like.
I'll also add that I gave up any notions of using my hard-earned JD once my first child arrived and fast forward 17 years later, I am rethinking the benefits of that decision for my life going forward.
Tough choices. I'm in the opposite position of wishing I had been able to give more of myself to my children while we had to navy careers. Now financially secure, I will be able to be a full-time grandmother to the baby due later this year. I've been fascinated watching the young press secretary who married a much older, never married, established businessman, now staying home with the baby while she pursues her career. The baby is absolutely adorable!
Thanks for your comment. I totally agree that they are all tough choices. What I am still angry about is how I grew up in an environment that never (never) mentioned the possibility of motherhood taking priority to career. It's not like you can't do both. And the irony is that I was raised by very traditional Catholic parents, went to an all-girls Catholic HS and then an Ivy League. Luckily I met my husband in college and his successful career has allowed me to put my career on the back burner and put motherhood in front. Yet I hope that my daughters know they have options. That they have worth other than just a paycheck and a title. Becoming a mom is easy but motherhood is a journey that matures, is challenging and most rewarding. Hindsight is 20-20. Enjoy your grandchild!! I can't wait!
Maybe that desire to climb the ladder of success in business, industry, academia, politics, etc. and the conflict and guilt women experience as a result of neglecting family is the result of women historically NOT having choices between careers or motherhood. I think of my mother who was amazingly brilliant with a master's degree from Barnard and a scholarship offer for a PhD at Heidelburg University in Germany when WW II broke out. She found herself a job as an administrative assistant in a defense plant where her academic credentials and skills were untested. But she met my dad there and thankfully accepted the role of mother soon after marriage. As my mother she devoted herself to teaching me to read widely, appreciate art and music, and apply myself to whatever academic subjects of the moment. She also taught me the social graces, how to set a table, pour wine, address elders, and dance, stuff that as a young boy I failed to appreciate until I discovered girls and started dating. Unfortunately, when I left home for college and the military, my mother fell into bouts of depression and feelings of unworth which my busy father could not manage. Eventually, they divorced, and my mom shifted gears and took on management of a high-end clothing store until her death years later. She found a sort of peace but remained a restless spirit. I often think of what she might have been had she been born in the age of the women's movement with the opportuni9ties to explore her potential, but I am forever grateful for the care and grooming she gave me as her son. It is interesting that young women now feel guilty for making decisions that women of earlier generations never had to make. Life is short, and it should be lived in ways that give us the most satisfaction of accomplishment. Raising children and taking care of family are worthy accomplishments.
I love this, not for the choices that had to be made, but for the honesty. Mu husband and I both had navy careers with 3 children. It was difficult and I do regret the lost time with them, but because we're now financially secure, now I can devote more time to a grandchild on the way. I will find that intensely satisfying.
Intended feminist agenda of the 50’s and 60’s was misinterpreted by those of my generation who came of age in the 70’s and beyond (with a lot of help from advertisers and marketers; mostly men, naturally). Our fore-sisters taught us to fight for options, but some how we thought that meant we had to choose them all, all at the same time. We did this to ourselves, ladies, and it has resulted in
anxiety, self destruction and low birth rates. While I am grateful to all of those women who came before me and cleared the path so I might forge my own destiny, I now hope my daughters and Grandaughter will better understand that no one expects you to “do it all”, but simply that you have rights and options available to you along the way. This is, in my mind, the true path of feminism.
It wasn't just have it all, at least from what I interpreted. This was also the introduction of no-fault divorce, and I saw many women and children dumped and scrabbling to get by. It's about options and self-determination with eyes wide open.
Guilty as charged. I bought into the whole “Sisterhood is Powerful” propaganda campaign. I loved my work, twisted myself so that my kids didn’t suffer from having a mother who was a professional and never had both feet solidly in either world. Of course my family enjoyed financial benefits from my employment. But many of my “sisters” were critical of my choice and any sense of solidarity was pretty fractured. Unfortunately, now most women must work to cover ordinary household expenses. I am not sure we made a good deal for ourselves or subsequent generations. Hey, but retirement is good. 👍
Yes. The 70s. It broke a lot of young women's brains.
We were first told, 'You can have it all.'
Then, when the results were clearly seen as ridiculous, it moved to, ' You can have it all; just not all at the same time.'
Now we are moving toward, 'Grow up! You can't have it all, no one can. Make your best choices and get on with it.'
I graduated high school in 1973, at one of the cultural centers of it all (the San Francisco Bay Area). I grieve for those young women who made the choices that they were told to at the time, and came to live with their regrets in their mid- and later years.
Wonderful article, so well written, and achieved while being a loving Mom. So the two are not mutually exclusive, though the one is profoundly more important than the other.
The biggest Lie women were fed is we can have it all. That lie permeates everything. The more helpful thing is to have honest conversations with our daughters, girls, and young women about real life and crafting a life. What makes a fulfilling life.
We also need to teach our children, male and female, to have honest conversations with potential partners. There seems to be a belief that all males are waiting to be a sole breadwinner, but this is far from reality.
We're all exceptional in small and unique ways, but very few of us will be exceptional in public ways unless we write the best novel ever, become CEO of Apple, or set the home run record. But what is often ignored is that a mom or a dad can be an exceptional parent and still have a fulfilling career at the same time. Too often a parent will decide it's one or the other. What you do when your kid is at school doesn't have to be only doing the laundry or the dishes. If that's what you like best and can afford it, more power to you.
Awesome post! There’s nothing more rewarding (and frustrating, exhausting, etc) than having a child. I feel bad for those who choose to not have children and I feel particular sympathy for those who wish to have children, but can’t. Life without kids is simply less fulfilling than it is with kids.
We're all exceptional. That isn't delusional, it's just reality. Aldous Huxley called people "island universes"--when a person dies, "a universe dies." There will be no one like us ever again, and no person is ever a replacement for any other.
So many things are delightful about parenthood, not just for mothers but for fathers too, but at bottom what's bracing is the acceptance of a responsibility that's actually consequential. As even Bob Dylan, probably not the first person you'd think of as a 'family man,' put it, "You can fail as a marriage partner. You can't fail as a parent."
No, you can't. Look at it this way: most of us can accomplish so little good in our lives; unique individuals though we are, in the broader scheme of things we have relatively little influence or power. Yet all of a sudden, as a parent you find yourself in a position to make life heaven or hell for a brand new human being that's totally dependent on you. Why wouldn't you do everything you could to make it heaven? This is your chance! The fact that most parents seize that chance and run with it, to the ends of the Earth if necessary, is what sustains my faith in humanity.
I'm a Dad, but I remember my first son's first smile (and those of my other two). It does indeed transport us from mundane ambition to really having a valuable responsibility - raising the next generation. Thank you for a great article. Bruce Danckwerts, CHOMA, Zambia
I have not yet read this article, but wanted to say how much I love this photo! I am the mom who didn't have a huge desire to be a mom, but it transformed me. It helped make me a better person, and my heart is full of joy every time I see my son. He means so much to me that, apparently, I cannot type about it without tearing up. Happy Mother's Day to Everyone!
If we take another step back, this is the primal human need for attention and the desire to be needed. The reason social media is so successful. If you strip away the layers we're just another species in the blip of time. We survive and procreate.
Beautiful! I can totally relate to being so in love with my little munchkins (that was my term of endearment for my 4 kids) that nothing else mattered--including my husband, their dad, for a while. (We all had to adjust to parenthood.) But as they reach the teen years, I am definitely experiencing nostalgia for the time when I felt that I mattered and they sincerely loved me. They of course might still love me but breaking up is hard to do--and that's what the teen years feels like.
I'll also add that I gave up any notions of using my hard-earned JD once my first child arrived and fast forward 17 years later, I am rethinking the benefits of that decision for my life going forward.
Tough choices. I'm in the opposite position of wishing I had been able to give more of myself to my children while we had to navy careers. Now financially secure, I will be able to be a full-time grandmother to the baby due later this year. I've been fascinated watching the young press secretary who married a much older, never married, established businessman, now staying home with the baby while she pursues her career. The baby is absolutely adorable!
Thanks for your comment. I totally agree that they are all tough choices. What I am still angry about is how I grew up in an environment that never (never) mentioned the possibility of motherhood taking priority to career. It's not like you can't do both. And the irony is that I was raised by very traditional Catholic parents, went to an all-girls Catholic HS and then an Ivy League. Luckily I met my husband in college and his successful career has allowed me to put my career on the back burner and put motherhood in front. Yet I hope that my daughters know they have options. That they have worth other than just a paycheck and a title. Becoming a mom is easy but motherhood is a journey that matures, is challenging and most rewarding. Hindsight is 20-20. Enjoy your grandchild!! I can't wait!
Absolutely love this essay. Simple truths.
Maybe that desire to climb the ladder of success in business, industry, academia, politics, etc. and the conflict and guilt women experience as a result of neglecting family is the result of women historically NOT having choices between careers or motherhood. I think of my mother who was amazingly brilliant with a master's degree from Barnard and a scholarship offer for a PhD at Heidelburg University in Germany when WW II broke out. She found herself a job as an administrative assistant in a defense plant where her academic credentials and skills were untested. But she met my dad there and thankfully accepted the role of mother soon after marriage. As my mother she devoted herself to teaching me to read widely, appreciate art and music, and apply myself to whatever academic subjects of the moment. She also taught me the social graces, how to set a table, pour wine, address elders, and dance, stuff that as a young boy I failed to appreciate until I discovered girls and started dating. Unfortunately, when I left home for college and the military, my mother fell into bouts of depression and feelings of unworth which my busy father could not manage. Eventually, they divorced, and my mom shifted gears and took on management of a high-end clothing store until her death years later. She found a sort of peace but remained a restless spirit. I often think of what she might have been had she been born in the age of the women's movement with the opportuni9ties to explore her potential, but I am forever grateful for the care and grooming she gave me as her son. It is interesting that young women now feel guilty for making decisions that women of earlier generations never had to make. Life is short, and it should be lived in ways that give us the most satisfaction of accomplishment. Raising children and taking care of family are worthy accomplishments.
I love this, not for the choices that had to be made, but for the honesty. Mu husband and I both had navy careers with 3 children. It was difficult and I do regret the lost time with them, but because we're now financially secure, now I can devote more time to a grandchild on the way. I will find that intensely satisfying.
Beautiful!
I do believe the well
Intended feminist agenda of the 50’s and 60’s was misinterpreted by those of my generation who came of age in the 70’s and beyond (with a lot of help from advertisers and marketers; mostly men, naturally). Our fore-sisters taught us to fight for options, but some how we thought that meant we had to choose them all, all at the same time. We did this to ourselves, ladies, and it has resulted in
anxiety, self destruction and low birth rates. While I am grateful to all of those women who came before me and cleared the path so I might forge my own destiny, I now hope my daughters and Grandaughter will better understand that no one expects you to “do it all”, but simply that you have rights and options available to you along the way. This is, in my mind, the true path of feminism.
It wasn't just have it all, at least from what I interpreted. This was also the introduction of no-fault divorce, and I saw many women and children dumped and scrabbling to get by. It's about options and self-determination with eyes wide open.
Guilty as charged. I bought into the whole “Sisterhood is Powerful” propaganda campaign. I loved my work, twisted myself so that my kids didn’t suffer from having a mother who was a professional and never had both feet solidly in either world. Of course my family enjoyed financial benefits from my employment. But many of my “sisters” were critical of my choice and any sense of solidarity was pretty fractured. Unfortunately, now most women must work to cover ordinary household expenses. I am not sure we made a good deal for ourselves or subsequent generations. Hey, but retirement is good. 👍
Yes. The 70s. It broke a lot of young women's brains.
We were first told, 'You can have it all.'
Then, when the results were clearly seen as ridiculous, it moved to, ' You can have it all; just not all at the same time.'
Now we are moving toward, 'Grow up! You can't have it all, no one can. Make your best choices and get on with it.'
I graduated high school in 1973, at one of the cultural centers of it all (the San Francisco Bay Area). I grieve for those young women who made the choices that they were told to at the time, and came to live with their regrets in their mid- and later years.
We are self-centered as children and until we have our own children, we risk staying self-centered... and as an adult, that is a human flaw.
"Not everybody can be famous but everybody can be great, because greatness is determined by service."
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Wonderful article, so well written, and achieved while being a loving Mom. So the two are not mutually exclusive, though the one is profoundly more important than the other.
The biggest Lie women were fed is we can have it all. That lie permeates everything. The more helpful thing is to have honest conversations with our daughters, girls, and young women about real life and crafting a life. What makes a fulfilling life.
We also need to teach our children, male and female, to have honest conversations with potential partners. There seems to be a belief that all males are waiting to be a sole breadwinner, but this is far from reality.
We're all exceptional in small and unique ways, but very few of us will be exceptional in public ways unless we write the best novel ever, become CEO of Apple, or set the home run record. But what is often ignored is that a mom or a dad can be an exceptional parent and still have a fulfilling career at the same time. Too often a parent will decide it's one or the other. What you do when your kid is at school doesn't have to be only doing the laundry or the dishes. If that's what you like best and can afford it, more power to you.
Awesome post! There’s nothing more rewarding (and frustrating, exhausting, etc) than having a child. I feel bad for those who choose to not have children and I feel particular sympathy for those who wish to have children, but can’t. Life without kids is simply less fulfilling than it is with kids.
We're all exceptional. That isn't delusional, it's just reality. Aldous Huxley called people "island universes"--when a person dies, "a universe dies." There will be no one like us ever again, and no person is ever a replacement for any other.
So many things are delightful about parenthood, not just for mothers but for fathers too, but at bottom what's bracing is the acceptance of a responsibility that's actually consequential. As even Bob Dylan, probably not the first person you'd think of as a 'family man,' put it, "You can fail as a marriage partner. You can't fail as a parent."
No, you can't. Look at it this way: most of us can accomplish so little good in our lives; unique individuals though we are, in the broader scheme of things we have relatively little influence or power. Yet all of a sudden, as a parent you find yourself in a position to make life heaven or hell for a brand new human being that's totally dependent on you. Why wouldn't you do everything you could to make it heaven? This is your chance! The fact that most parents seize that chance and run with it, to the ends of the Earth if necessary, is what sustains my faith in humanity.
I'm a Dad, but I remember my first son's first smile (and those of my other two). It does indeed transport us from mundane ambition to really having a valuable responsibility - raising the next generation. Thank you for a great article. Bruce Danckwerts, CHOMA, Zambia
I have not yet read this article, but wanted to say how much I love this photo! I am the mom who didn't have a huge desire to be a mom, but it transformed me. It helped make me a better person, and my heart is full of joy every time I see my son. He means so much to me that, apparently, I cannot type about it without tearing up. Happy Mother's Day to Everyone!
I enjoyed your article very much. Well written and so poignant. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a loving mother.
If we take another step back, this is the primal human need for attention and the desire to be needed. The reason social media is so successful. If you strip away the layers we're just another species in the blip of time. We survive and procreate.