In Monday’s column, I argued that today’s stress epidemic is largely driven by our screen use. I’ll have a lot more to say on that topic in the next few weeks, because it’s a central theme of my new book, The Meaning of Your Life, which will be released on March 31.
The column provoked reader feedback not only about screen use, but also about ways to lower stress in general. For example:
For Lent I’m putting my phone away at 5:00 pm and not looking at it til after I return from Mass the following morning. The same goes for my computer. I got my landline back and informed my kids to call if they need to reach me after 5:00. An alarm clock wakes me up to the sound of waves crashing along the shore.
and…
I’m closing down and reading a book.
All good and solid advice. But I want to make the point that stress isn’t necessarily a bad thing per se. It doesn’t have to be the enemy.
A lot of the stuff in life we hate is stressful, it’s true. But many of the things we love most are also extremely stressful. This is illustrated in one of the most interesting recent papers I’ve come across. In 2023, researchers surveyed a representative population and ranked the 43 most stressful events in an average person’s life. (Why 43? This study was inspired by a classic scale created in 1967, which originally included 42 stressful life events. The newer study added one extra variable: “single person, living alone.”)
You won’t be surprised by some of these rankings. The No. 1 most stressful life event is the death of a spouse or life partner. This is followed, in order of stressfulness, by detention in jail or other institution, the death of a close family member, getting divorced, and marital separation. Nothing very remarkable there—except perhaps to note that one way to cut down on your stress is to get divorced before your spouse dies.
I’m kidding. Geez.
Stress of this sad, tragic type is generally bad. We don’t invite it into our lives on purpose, and when it comes, it’s deeply unwelcome.
But that’s where the plot thickens. Go down the list of stressors a bit further, and you will find that many of these supposedly stressful life events are actually good things in life. Consider that pregnancy ranks No. 6, just over 2 percentage points less stressful than marital separation. An “outstanding personal achievement” is more stressful than having trouble with your boss.
In other words, stress isn’t necessarily your enemy at all, and can even make life more meaningful. For example, parents simultaneously experience higher stress and higher levels of transient well-being when with their children. In the classroom, students who undergo “academic stressors” (such as challenging assignments) tend to enjoy greater meaning and well-being in the long run.
In fact, a stress-free life might sound great, but it would mean not just avoiding the hard parts but forgoing many of the sweetest moments. A better approach is to learn to manage and accept the hard and the sweet together as parts of a normal life. In my upcoming book, I go into lots of detail on how to practically do this, and I will share some of this in the newsletter in the upcoming weeks.
Stressfully yours,
Arthur
The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks will be back next week with a column on Monday. His newsletter returns next Friday.
For most of my life, when adults told me to embrace failure and anxiety, I never quite understood what that meant. I thought that perhaps it was a disposition embodied to protect the self from its sting, and something analogous to "seeing the silver lining."
In the past week, I've been thinking about something you once said that resonated with me when I read it. That you've learned more from your failures than your successes.
Maybe it's something in the air, or perhaps I've just grown up a bit since you wrote those words. But I have the same sense now that I'm 22.
The struggle is what makes success worth it. I can't say that I'm unafraid of failure as a broad category. But if I think about it, every single time that I felt as though I might not come back from those moments, I did. And in the long arc of my life, I'm so grateful that I know what it's like. Even the failures that still keep me up some nights.
Life is such a gift. It's complicated, messy and unglamorous at times. But I think that's what makes it beautiful.
It was such a delight to see you move over here. We can be a tough crowd at times, but I think that's what makes us fun. We're complicated, messy, and unglamorous, much like life itself.
AB : such as challenging assignments
Is it stressful regardless of the outcome?
I wonder if there is a relationship between the stress level before the challenge and the outcome? More stress before might result in better preparation and a positive outcome or maybe result in destructive behavior and a bad outcome (my pet theory for today)