Apply 👏 the 👏 Social 👏 Justice👏 Playbook👏 to 👏 Jews

Sometimes things are so bleak that the only thing left to do is laugh about them. That’s where the always funny Sarah Rose Siskind comes in, with advice for anyone who seeks to be a good ally for their Jewish friends.

Folks, it’s time to step up. It’s time’s up to do better. It’s not enough to “not be antisemitic.” We have to be actively anti-antisemitic. Anyone who is not actively anti-antisemitic is antisemitic. 

We’ve seen the stunning success of similar online campaigns for Women, Black People, and Trans Folk in completely eliminating all prejudice and elevating mental well-being. It’s time to apply the same social justice playbook to Jews. There are specific ways to perform your support that all Jews are guaranteed to appreciate since Jews, like all other marginalized groups, can be treated as a homogenous people who famously agree on everything. 

Here are ten ways to be an Ally to Jews: 

Support Jewish-Owned Businesses

Forget DuckDuckGo: support businesses like “Google,” an impressive technology company based in Mountain View, California. Both founders of this quite large company are Jewish! Or financially empower companies like “Goldman Sachs,” an investment company founded by Jews 150 years ago. Can you say #ChaiAchiever?  

Don’t forget to support Jews in STEM! This past summer, Universal released a film celebrating the national Yid-spiration, J. Robert Oppenheimer. However, we have to call out the film for portraying this Jewish icon with a non-Jewish actor. The Jewish community famously hates that, given the critical failures of productions like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Maestro, Golda, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Life Is Beautiful. 

Elevate Jewish Voices 

Jewish authors who could use your support include Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, Ayn Rand, Judy Blume, David Mamet, Isaac Asimov, and Gertrude Stein. It’s time to take these voices out of the dark and into the mainstream. 

We need to celebrate Jewish contributions to the world of cinema: for instance, classics such as Bee Movie, which was both written by Jews and stars a celebrity many people may not know is Jewish, Jerry Seinfeld. Bee Movie is just one of at least dozens of films created by Jewish people. 

Did you know the pianist in Billy Joel’s band is Jewish? We need to elevate Jewish voices like his, so they get the audience they deserve. Representation matters. Perhaps that is why so many Jews are agents. 

Make Inclusive Spaces

Make the Jews in your life feel welcome by kvelling about the deal you got. 

Stop Culturally Appropriating Jewish Culture

Don’t do anything listed in the previous paragraph. Since Jewish culture is strictly just for Jews, you can’t use any Jewish cultural contributions or innovations. So, while you’re at it, stop studying physics, going to therapy, singing Christmas carols, and not having polio. And also, perhaps, stop being Christian or Muslim. G-d help you if you dress up like Larry David for Halloween. 

Don’t Deadname Jews

If a Jewish American Person decides to change their name to “Natalie Portman” or “Ralph Lauren,” it is important to respect their chosen identity, even though authentic Jewish names are objectively beautiful. For example: “Natalie Hershlag” and “Ralph Lifshitz.” 

Know That Jews Are Still Jews Regardless of Their Genitalia

When my nephew was born, we all knew he was Jewish even though he had not undergone a bris (think of it as religious realignment surgery). For eight days, he was a Jew trapped in a gentile’s body. But we knew who he truly was and supported him through his transition, and now he lives as his True Jewish Self. 

Know That Jews Are Only Jews If They Identify as Jews

One of the worst things Hitler ever did was to disrespect people’s identification preferences. Regardless of whether a person identified as Jewish, he colonized the identity of millions by proclaiming them Jewish. Hitler was guilty of outing countless Jews. Even worse, arguably, he killed millions of them. And murder is like the colonization of another person’s living status. 

Avoid the “Goy-Savior” Complex

As all Jews will agree, one of the most antisemitic movies to date is Schindler’s List. Oh, so we need a non-Jewish savior to save the Jewish people? Classic. Plus, Schindler’s List is doubly problematic for casting a non-Jew (Ben Kingsley) as a Jew. Whoever that director is, he needs to be called out for antisemitism. 

Educate Yourself

Educating others is an unfair emotional burden to place on Jews. Jews clearly do not like to educate, pour any resources into scholarship, or talk about themselves. So, as an ally, it’s on you to figure it out. You need to do. The. Work. 

Hire Me

Don’t do anything listed in the previous paragraph. Hire me to explain why you’re problematic and secretly antisemitic for a dinner series I’m calling “Thank Jew for Coming.” 

In conclusion, allyship is not just about listening, it’s about speaking up. If you can get a word in.

Sarah Rose Siskind is a science comedy writer in NYC, comedian, and founder of Hello SciCom.

Become a subscriber to The Free Press today: