Every time I peek at the mommy chat rooms, I wonder: What is making them so anxious? And whatever happened to the time-honored tradition of winging it?
Totally agree! I wish I had started my family sooner and not waited until after law school and 34 to start. But hindsight is 20/20. I bought the cultural lie that career was priority #1 to the detriment of marriage and starting a family. Great piece!
Hey Sonia: We all make choices. I had my son during law school. He's now in college; I am still a lawyer. Flip side, I am divorced - which isn't terrible especially because I will still be in my 40s when I am an empty nester. But, like Liz, I def. love being a young mom. IMO, biggest bonus, is that my kids knew and loved my grandma and that they have all four grandparents.
I love this article. I, too, am happy for you and all your family. For various reasons, I didn’t have children when I was younger and as it turns out, when I tried when I was older, I couldn’t. But I was unwilling to go through all the horribly invasive and expensive and often traumatic experiences of fertility treatments and IVF, especially since I saw, at the same time my husband and I were trying, a dear friend going through those treatments. Every attempt failed and the babies were lost before coming to term, leading to immense heartbreak. So now I have no children, and I often deeply regret it. Someone said in the comments that most jobs aren’t all that and I think they’re right - I’ve had some jobs I really enjoyed - including my current one - and none of them were worth not having children for (though I didn’t refrain from having children for a career). It’s awful how often the lie is told that women can just easily put off childbearing until later in life with no ill effects.
Re: a couple of comments below - ignore that silly fellow with his snide remark about your tattoos. And I love that you’re upfront about your pro-life convictions, so refreshingly rare! I’m not religious but I have strong pro-life instincts myself, and would never abort a pregnancy unless it was absolutely necessary to save my life or prevent severe suffering.
Liz, what a great article! I am so happy for you and your husband and your son. Winging it and being a responsible parent can happen at the same time. I am the mother of 7 and try to tell the young mothers I work with to relax and trust their instincts and ask questions of seasoned moms. Being a mother is the best gift in the world. Enjoy your son!
I had 4 by 26 and we couldn't run home to mom and dad on either side for help. We were both 18 and very poor. My husband joined the airforce to support us and you don't make much. We qualified for free government cheese and dried beans. I was on the WIC program with all of my kids. With every stripe my husband earned we had a new child. I was fortunate to be a stay at home mom but, it was tight. We didn't do things like eat out or buy cold cereal. I've put things back at checkout that I actually needed. I look back with fondness though. Those times were hard and taught us a lot but, they were also more simple and carefree in ways. I had just the basics for my babies and even started with cloth diapers. What a blessing it was when we could afford disposables but, kids don't need a lot of fancy things, they just need you. I love being a mom. It wasn't always easy but, very rewarding. It's the greatest job in the world to help form little human beings. Being their mom formed me too in so many ways. Do you know what might be just as great, being a grandma.
I think lots of women would like to have babies earlier if they could, and make their career later. And, to be honest, most jobs are rubbish. Is being a high paid M&A lawyer really more satisfying than running a house?
People do what they're interested in doing. I got pregnant (the first time), moved into my first tiny mortgage, and started graduate school, all in September '82. The second time I got pregnant I was in psychoanalytic training, had a two year old, and doing an internship in community mental health. The third baby came when I was studying for licensure, beginning a practice in a working class neighborhood (not used to anyone anywhere caring about them), and continuing analytic training. Two years later the kids and I were on our own, and with limited resources I raised them and have had all kinds of adult adventures and pursuits. No nannies, imagine. I raised them and raised them and today they said Happy Mother's Day from their various millennial earth locations (heart heart heart). I'm not skilled or reckless, I had interests and interest in doing it well.
Great article, I feel like people in my generation were a fd a bag of lies about achieving college, grad school, career success and a home with a nursery before trying to start a family . . . I envy my small-town high school classmates who started families in their early 20s instead of late 30s, and now are sending their kids off to college and may actually someday meet their grandchildren and great grandchildren.
Babies are quite durable. Feeding and clothing them is pretty straight-forward. Parenting beyond that is easy to screw up, but if you had a good childhood, rely on what your parents did. Getting too detail oriented won't help you.
Nice liz! I was 10 years older than you when I had my son, but I hd a similar attitude so I think there is more than age at play. I remember when my he was 9 months old and I finally got around to asking the pediatrician what the guidance was for introducing food and he said "he can pick off your plate at this age". A drawer is a perfect travel cot and the warm vibrating floor under the seat in front of you is the best place to stash them on the plane. Your travel days are not over!
People don’t realize that it is babies that grow the parents up! Nothing is more maturing than fighting your desire to sleep in order to care for the helpless baby wailing at one and two and three. My husband and I still laugh at the things that worried us before the kids were born (this person talked so much at a meeting!). When our kids were 4, 2, and newborn, he ended a call with our burly mechanic with, “love you, bye.” We should all be so surrounded by constant love that we say such things through habit. 😊
I'm 44, and my youngest child is a senior in high school. The thought of being an empty-nester at 45 is actually exhilarating. So is the hope of being a grandparent young enough to be active with my grandkids. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
I was almost 23 when I had my first baby. Luckily this is pretty common where I live in Utah so I didn’t feel alone. I’m 39 now and can’t imagine the exhaustion of having a newborn at my age, haha. I had way more energy back then.
Totally agree! I wish I had started my family sooner and not waited until after law school and 34 to start. But hindsight is 20/20. I bought the cultural lie that career was priority #1 to the detriment of marriage and starting a family. Great piece!
Hey Sonia: We all make choices. I had my son during law school. He's now in college; I am still a lawyer. Flip side, I am divorced - which isn't terrible especially because I will still be in my 40s when I am an empty nester. But, like Liz, I def. love being a young mom. IMO, biggest bonus, is that my kids knew and loved my grandma and that they have all four grandparents.
I love this article. I, too, am happy for you and all your family. For various reasons, I didn’t have children when I was younger and as it turns out, when I tried when I was older, I couldn’t. But I was unwilling to go through all the horribly invasive and expensive and often traumatic experiences of fertility treatments and IVF, especially since I saw, at the same time my husband and I were trying, a dear friend going through those treatments. Every attempt failed and the babies were lost before coming to term, leading to immense heartbreak. So now I have no children, and I often deeply regret it. Someone said in the comments that most jobs aren’t all that and I think they’re right - I’ve had some jobs I really enjoyed - including my current one - and none of them were worth not having children for (though I didn’t refrain from having children for a career). It’s awful how often the lie is told that women can just easily put off childbearing until later in life with no ill effects.
Re: a couple of comments below - ignore that silly fellow with his snide remark about your tattoos. And I love that you’re upfront about your pro-life convictions, so refreshingly rare! I’m not religious but I have strong pro-life instincts myself, and would never abort a pregnancy unless it was absolutely necessary to save my life or prevent severe suffering.
Liz, what a great article! I am so happy for you and your husband and your son. Winging it and being a responsible parent can happen at the same time. I am the mother of 7 and try to tell the young mothers I work with to relax and trust their instincts and ask questions of seasoned moms. Being a mother is the best gift in the world. Enjoy your son!
I had 4 by 26 and we couldn't run home to mom and dad on either side for help. We were both 18 and very poor. My husband joined the airforce to support us and you don't make much. We qualified for free government cheese and dried beans. I was on the WIC program with all of my kids. With every stripe my husband earned we had a new child. I was fortunate to be a stay at home mom but, it was tight. We didn't do things like eat out or buy cold cereal. I've put things back at checkout that I actually needed. I look back with fondness though. Those times were hard and taught us a lot but, they were also more simple and carefree in ways. I had just the basics for my babies and even started with cloth diapers. What a blessing it was when we could afford disposables but, kids don't need a lot of fancy things, they just need you. I love being a mom. It wasn't always easy but, very rewarding. It's the greatest job in the world to help form little human beings. Being their mom formed me too in so many ways. Do you know what might be just as great, being a grandma.
Had four kids by age 31 - and with minimal family support (my mother died young) I gave up a career in medicine to do it.
No, ladies, you can’t always “have it all”.
And that’s ok. Sometimes you have to decide what’s more important, and be true to your values.
"I hope to follow the example of the generations who came before me, who raised resilient kids during tough times, with less gear and more grit."
I like this attitude as it reminds me of how our culture was many decades ago.
I think lots of women would like to have babies earlier if they could, and make their career later. And, to be honest, most jobs are rubbish. Is being a high paid M&A lawyer really more satisfying than running a house?
People do what they're interested in doing. I got pregnant (the first time), moved into my first tiny mortgage, and started graduate school, all in September '82. The second time I got pregnant I was in psychoanalytic training, had a two year old, and doing an internship in community mental health. The third baby came when I was studying for licensure, beginning a practice in a working class neighborhood (not used to anyone anywhere caring about them), and continuing analytic training. Two years later the kids and I were on our own, and with limited resources I raised them and have had all kinds of adult adventures and pursuits. No nannies, imagine. I raised them and raised them and today they said Happy Mother's Day from their various millennial earth locations (heart heart heart). I'm not skilled or reckless, I had interests and interest in doing it well.
Great article, I feel like people in my generation were a fd a bag of lies about achieving college, grad school, career success and a home with a nursery before trying to start a family . . . I envy my small-town high school classmates who started families in their early 20s instead of late 30s, and now are sending their kids off to college and may actually someday meet their grandchildren and great grandchildren.
Babies are quite durable. Feeding and clothing them is pretty straight-forward. Parenting beyond that is easy to screw up, but if you had a good childhood, rely on what your parents did. Getting too detail oriented won't help you.
Nice liz! I was 10 years older than you when I had my son, but I hd a similar attitude so I think there is more than age at play. I remember when my he was 9 months old and I finally got around to asking the pediatrician what the guidance was for introducing food and he said "he can pick off your plate at this age". A drawer is a perfect travel cot and the warm vibrating floor under the seat in front of you is the best place to stash them on the plane. Your travel days are not over!
Beautiful. Thank you.
People don’t realize that it is babies that grow the parents up! Nothing is more maturing than fighting your desire to sleep in order to care for the helpless baby wailing at one and two and three. My husband and I still laugh at the things that worried us before the kids were born (this person talked so much at a meeting!). When our kids were 4, 2, and newborn, he ended a call with our burly mechanic with, “love you, bye.” We should all be so surrounded by constant love that we say such things through habit. 😊
A great article, but I wish you'd left out the pictures. All I can see are those damn tats.
I'm 44, and my youngest child is a senior in high school. The thought of being an empty-nester at 45 is actually exhilarating. So is the hope of being a grandparent young enough to be active with my grandkids. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
This is beautiful.
I was almost 23 when I had my first baby. Luckily this is pretty common where I live in Utah so I didn’t feel alone. I’m 39 now and can’t imagine the exhaustion of having a newborn at my age, haha. I had way more energy back then.