“We have two adult children, a son aged 30 and a daughter aged 27. We are estranged from them both,” wrote a 60-year-old mom.
“Our oldest son, 27, has gone no contact with our entire family,” wrote a 57-year-old mom.
“It seems like she’s been influenced by the “no contact” movement too common in her generation, which rejects normal parents as toxic,” wrote yet another mom, this one 55, whose daughter doesn’t speak to her.
I’ve read so many messages from people who are desperately sad that their adult children don’t talk to them. That’s because I’m the editor of Tough Love with Abigail Shrier, our weekly advice column, so it’s my job to sort through the letters she gets. You ask: How do you rebuild a relationship with your son when you’ve been cut off? If your daughter’s decided you’re toxic, how do you cope with the pain?
At the heart of these questions is another, even deeper one: How could my own child reject me like this?
In her essay today, Christina Buttons answers that question—explaining why she went no contact with her parents for five years, at the age of 19, and why she’ll always regret it.
If you’re one of the many people who’s told us that your child isn’t speaking to you right now: This is proof that there’s always hope.
—Freya Sanders
When I was 19, my therapist told me I was not safe living with my parents.
It was 2008, and I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a little while. I had admitted this to my best friend, who recommended her therapist to me, and in the months that followed, that therapist told me that my parents were “toxic” and “coercive”; I needed “boundaries.” Suddenly, all my problems had a tantalizingly simple root cause: my mom and dad.
So, I cut them off completely. I didn’t speak to them for five years. Now, I deeply regret it.
Nearly two decades later, the framework that felt revelatory to me at the time is everywhere. More people than ever are in therapy, and therapeutic language increasingly shapes how we understand family conflict. Going no contact with a relative is described as “self-care.” Painful experiences are “trauma”; hurtful words are “abuse.” Today, 10 percent of the U.S. population is estranged from a parent or child. And as The Wall Street Journal recently reported, increasing numbers of them are being encouraged to do so by their therapists.
I know firsthand how destructive this can be. I hope my story gives others reason to think carefully before allowing a therapist to help them sever a family relationship.
