If you’re in intense pain after a breakup, you are normal. But in the meantime, a few science-backed methods can help lower your suffering, Arthur Brooks writes.
Why cyber stalk when you can stalk in real time?? I did and wore out a pair of hiking shoes - it didn't help at all either but I did meet fellow night hikers - sadly mostly women who found it safer to roam the streets than stay at home.
Here I go again, clicking on Arthur's linked studies to see how robust they are, because I'm a skeptic about psychology research:
The link for the "top five" behaviors leading to breakups points to an article that studied 100 girls and 100 boys, beginning in 10th grade, for six years total. So, 1) It's meant to look at predictors for failed relationships only among emerging adults. 2) It's a small sample size. 3) The words "infidelity" and "commitment" don't appear in the article. Here are its conclusions: breakups within a year happen because of a) relationship problems (low support, low validation, high criticism) and b) individual problems (psychopathology, which can include substance abuse, as he mentioned, but can also include things like anxiety, mood disorders, and lack of confidence in one's romantic appeal). Relationships that last longer than a year break up because of those two reasons but also c) contextual problems (stressful environment or stressful life events).
The link for whether sad music helps people to cope better is a review paper. It happens to also highlight several studies that found listening to sad music can be a maladaptive strategy for depressed or anxious individuals, causing them to ruminate, socially isolate, not pull out of their mood. It recommends sad music only for people who are psychologically healthy to begin with.
The link to the article about surveilling an ex, while I don't trust it because it has 1) volunteer participants, and 2) self-reported survey data, slightly contradicts Arthur's suggestion to block the ex entirely: yes, people who actively surveilled on facebook did worse, emotionally, but people who simply remained facebook friends had lower negative feelings about their ex, lower sexual desire for them, and lower longing. Take that all with a grain of salt, given the study design, selection bias, etc.
The best cure for a broken heart is otoro sashimi, sake, tea, and a Cuban cigar( I no longer indulge the heavenly gift of civilized smoking or sake, so a beer it is)
My wife and I have commented that people today go through, emotionally, romantic things in their 20s and 30s we went through in our teens. Literally. "I'll never love again!" is for 16 year olds. Then you find out that it's BS; of course you'll 'love again'. It's what humans do. Forever.
Fear drives people today, as it always has. The difference is we're not teaching the virtue of courage, ie, overcoming/not giving in to fear. The state of romance today is a manifestation of that.
I don't agree. Years ago on TV I remember seeing Dr. Pamela Stephenson (wife of Billy Connolly) sporting long blond hair in her 60s down to her waist saying she "still wants to be regarded as a Babe".
Why cyber stalk when you can stalk in real time?? I did and wore out a pair of hiking shoes - it didn't help at all either but I did meet fellow night hikers - sadly mostly women who found it safer to roam the streets than stay at home.
Here I go again, clicking on Arthur's linked studies to see how robust they are, because I'm a skeptic about psychology research:
The link for the "top five" behaviors leading to breakups points to an article that studied 100 girls and 100 boys, beginning in 10th grade, for six years total. So, 1) It's meant to look at predictors for failed relationships only among emerging adults. 2) It's a small sample size. 3) The words "infidelity" and "commitment" don't appear in the article. Here are its conclusions: breakups within a year happen because of a) relationship problems (low support, low validation, high criticism) and b) individual problems (psychopathology, which can include substance abuse, as he mentioned, but can also include things like anxiety, mood disorders, and lack of confidence in one's romantic appeal). Relationships that last longer than a year break up because of those two reasons but also c) contextual problems (stressful environment or stressful life events).
The link for whether sad music helps people to cope better is a review paper. It happens to also highlight several studies that found listening to sad music can be a maladaptive strategy for depressed or anxious individuals, causing them to ruminate, socially isolate, not pull out of their mood. It recommends sad music only for people who are psychologically healthy to begin with.
The link to the article about surveilling an ex, while I don't trust it because it has 1) volunteer participants, and 2) self-reported survey data, slightly contradicts Arthur's suggestion to block the ex entirely: yes, people who actively surveilled on facebook did worse, emotionally, but people who simply remained facebook friends had lower negative feelings about their ex, lower sexual desire for them, and lower longing. Take that all with a grain of salt, given the study design, selection bias, etc.
What a nerd.
The best cure for a broken heart is otoro sashimi, sake, tea, and a Cuban cigar( I no longer indulge the heavenly gift of civilized smoking or sake, so a beer it is)
Ugh, absolutely, no cyberstalking after the breakup. Soooo hard to do in our modern age!
My wife and I have commented that people today go through, emotionally, romantic things in their 20s and 30s we went through in our teens. Literally. "I'll never love again!" is for 16 year olds. Then you find out that it's BS; of course you'll 'love again'. It's what humans do. Forever.
Fear drives people today, as it always has. The difference is we're not teaching the virtue of courage, ie, overcoming/not giving in to fear. The state of romance today is a manifestation of that.
I don't agree. Years ago on TV I remember seeing Dr. Pamela Stephenson (wife of Billy Connolly) sporting long blond hair in her 60s down to her waist saying she "still wants to be regarded as a Babe".
“Personally, I would prefer 900 breakups than to listen to that song more than once”
Took the words right out of my mouth.
Unfortunately, not out of Sinead’s.
300 dates before meeting my wife. Learned a ton, gave me a career, and I never have to wonder who else is out there.
I remember those immortal lines from "When Harry Met Sally"... Carrie Fisher says to her new man, "promise me I'll never have to be out there again!!"
True. And that sentiment is also why people stay in bad relationships.