An excessively dependent relationship between parents and their adult children breeds coldness and mutual resentment, if not outright schism, writes Arthur Brooks.
When you tell parents to adopt “nonjudgmental interest” in their adult children’s lives unless invited, I need to know what you are actually asking us to give up. If my 27-year-old is choosing a romantic partner I believe is destructive, planning an irreversible medical intervention, or finally taking responsibility for their health, am I really meant to respond to all of this with the same neutral curiosity? Is parental love, in your formulation, reduced to emotional silence unless subpoenaed? Because restraint of control is one thing; restraint of moral presence is another entirely—and the latter doesn’t sound like wisdom to me, it sounds like abdication.
The point of this exercise is that it is trivial and there are thousand excuses not to do it. That is why you do it. To me it is the same as giving your kid $20 buck and asking them to go to the store for milk. Small steps of independence require trivial, low-risk activities. Removing your kids from the family phone plan is the minimum.
I would suggest that having kids on your healthcare until they are 26 is more damaging to independence and that is why these small trivial steps mean so much.
The kids are so downtrodden they cannot say "Thankyou but no thankyou"? The parents are so soppy they cannot say: "You're doing fine so isn't it time for you to pay your own phone bill"? Perhaps but I'd say the resentment already exists, even if it is aggravated by the phone bill.
Uh, I’m on my adult daughter’s family phone plan. And on her Life 360 plan, so she actually pays for me to be able to stalk her and her family. How sweet is THAT? 😂
"Kids deserve to be treated like no-kidding real adults"
Totally agree, and: Keeping two of the adult three sons on the family phone plan is just not a big deal. If you are wondering why the third son is no longer on the plan, it's because he was treating his parents as Pez dispensers with that privilege. He understood, as a gracious fellow adult should.
My daughter and son in law are on my phone plan. Their payment arrives in my bank account the first of each month. I pay less with them on the plan than I would on an individual plan.
I disagree on the Netflix account. Why have family members spend extra money when many of us can be on the same account? Our two adult sons and my mother are on our account.
I agree with the general point of this article however I also see our family as a team. So if it only costs my husband and me a bit more to keep our adult offspring on a family phone plan, rather than each having to pay net more, then as a team it makes sense for us to just keep the family plan. But I do agree that financially over indulging your adult kids is not good. I guess the operative word in that sentence is "over."
Not sure which of this week's gems I like best: "Parent-shaped Pez Dispensers" or "Bug God about them, don't bug them about God." Leaning toward the latter because, I know God loves me, but he keeps changing the ESPN+ password...
All of our kids are married and own their own homes(42,39,35) but our youngest is still on our phone plan. Our middle son just got off our phone plan recently. As a percentage of their family budget it is a negligible amount. Sometimes it is just easier not to go through the hassle of changing phone plans.
Love your books and happy to read your column on Free Press.
I’m not much older than your kids (mid 40s) but I have always thought it would be humiliating to be on my parents’ ANYTHING plan after age 30. Maybe it would cost me more but I’d rather know I’m not asking mommy and daddy to pay my way.
I get that, I can see the logic, but it’s still something I don’t see myself doing when I have adult children. And it’s something I never, ever wanted as a young adult.
I notice that the majority of commenters here are parents who are choosing to keep their adult children on their phone or whatever plans — sure, if that’s what they want to do. But I’m interested in seeing this from the perspective of the adult children. “I let my parents pay for my cell phone bc they say it’s easier.” ?? It’s a basic orientation toward the world that keeps parents as the real adults, and casts the adult children as overgrown adolescents still trying to make their way in the world.
I think there’s also a lot to be said here for intergenerational living, seeing your family as a team as another commenter describes it — all great things. AND I think parents paying their adult children’s utility bills, whether out of generosity or convenience, is not awesome for the adult children in question. That being said, it’s not black and white and not really a hill I think worth dying on in an internet comments section. :)
My daughters (27 and 30) are still on my phone plan and still use my Netflix occasionally. I don't think they feel a lack of independence as a result. The $ either way are trivial.
But they are typical Millennial/Gen Z types, and we don't discuss politics when they visit.
Respectfully, it's not the triviality of the dollar amounts.
It's the fact that twenty-, thirty-, and forty-somethings should be in their own separate financial and household arrangements.
I'll guess that it is cheaper for 6 adult drivers to be on your car-insurance policy. It's easier to pay one mortgage bill for the 3 homes involved, etc., etc.
My sister wanted to live with her fiance before they were married because it would be cheaper. When my Catholic father offered to pay her the difference in cost, she turned him down. So it wasn't about the money after all. She wanted to torque my parents around, even though she expected them to pay for the church wedding (and they did).
There are almost always at least a few really good reasons for not doing what you don't want to do in the first place.
My daughters have been living independently in their own households since they left university. I hardly think they feel dependent based on phones. I'm happy to gift them the service. BTW, I can use their Hulu account if I ever wanted to do so.
I agree with this. It’s not about the money, it’s not even about convenience, it’s about each person in the family having the self-concept of independent adulthood. You do you, but I can’t imagine keeping my 30-year-old child on my phone plan. That’s not my responsibility at that point.
When you tell parents to adopt “nonjudgmental interest” in their adult children’s lives unless invited, I need to know what you are actually asking us to give up. If my 27-year-old is choosing a romantic partner I believe is destructive, planning an irreversible medical intervention, or finally taking responsibility for their health, am I really meant to respond to all of this with the same neutral curiosity? Is parental love, in your formulation, reduced to emotional silence unless subpoenaed? Because restraint of control is one thing; restraint of moral presence is another entirely—and the latter doesn’t sound like wisdom to me, it sounds like abdication.
While I am all for creating independence, there is no such thing as "one size fits all" advice. JMO.
Friendly feedback: ‘ATM Machine’ is redundant.
The point of this exercise is that it is trivial and there are thousand excuses not to do it. That is why you do it. To me it is the same as giving your kid $20 buck and asking them to go to the store for milk. Small steps of independence require trivial, low-risk activities. Removing your kids from the family phone plan is the minimum.
I would suggest that having kids on your healthcare until they are 26 is more damaging to independence and that is why these small trivial steps mean so much.
The kids are so downtrodden they cannot say "Thankyou but no thankyou"? The parents are so soppy they cannot say: "You're doing fine so isn't it time for you to pay your own phone bill"? Perhaps but I'd say the resentment already exists, even if it is aggravated by the phone bill.
Your kids will get all your money anyway.
Just let them bleed you in obvious ways until the lawyer reads the will.
I'll ask again: why is a cacademic with no clinical psychology education and experience platformed to give advice to people?
The credentialism is strong in this one.
Uh, I’m on my adult daughter’s family phone plan. And on her Life 360 plan, so she actually pays for me to be able to stalk her and her family. How sweet is THAT? 😂
"Kids deserve to be treated like no-kidding real adults"
Totally agree, and: Keeping two of the adult three sons on the family phone plan is just not a big deal. If you are wondering why the third son is no longer on the plan, it's because he was treating his parents as Pez dispensers with that privilege. He understood, as a gracious fellow adult should.
My daughter and son in law are on my phone plan. Their payment arrives in my bank account the first of each month. I pay less with them on the plan than I would on an individual plan.
Great and hilarious photo of your grandson.
I disagree on the Netflix account. Why have family members spend extra money when many of us can be on the same account? Our two adult sons and my mother are on our account.
Netflix wouldn't disagree.
From Netflix Plans and Pricing Page:
"As a Netflix member, you are charged monthly on the date you signed up. A Netflix account is for people who live together in a single household."
https://help.netflix.com/en/node/24926
Good point, I guess we’re cheating a bit.
I agree with the general point of this article however I also see our family as a team. So if it only costs my husband and me a bit more to keep our adult offspring on a family phone plan, rather than each having to pay net more, then as a team it makes sense for us to just keep the family plan. But I do agree that financially over indulging your adult kids is not good. I guess the operative word in that sentence is "over."
If the cost difference is very small, then this is a very small price for the kids to pay for them to feel independent.
I made a similar comment about our family’s Netflix account.
Yeah, you make the choice that makes the most financial sense for the team as a whole.
Not sure which of this week's gems I like best: "Parent-shaped Pez Dispensers" or "Bug God about them, don't bug them about God." Leaning toward the latter because, I know God loves me, but he keeps changing the ESPN+ password...
has the FP hired EVERY fake intellectual looking for a job??
*I like him!
Me too. Very soothing. I've never seen him rattled.
You looking?
Traded my Math major @ Pitt for a B.S. Psychology after 2 years tripping on acid and mescaline. Had a friend who worked at Sandoz....
Haha - that’s quite a resume!
... then 2 best sellers and editor for the Wall Street Journal.
Now retired.
That’s like Arthur Brooks only he teaches at Harvard, a step down from the WSJ I grant you.
Wasn't that reply supposed to be funny? I thought it was hilarious!
Teaching at Haavaad should get one a job at the NYT, not TFP.
And it's Arthur Brooks.
All of our kids are married and own their own homes(42,39,35) but our youngest is still on our phone plan. Our middle son just got off our phone plan recently. As a percentage of their family budget it is a negligible amount. Sometimes it is just easier not to go through the hassle of changing phone plans.
Love your books and happy to read your column on Free Press.
I’m not much older than your kids (mid 40s) but I have always thought it would be humiliating to be on my parents’ ANYTHING plan after age 30. Maybe it would cost me more but I’d rather know I’m not asking mommy and daddy to pay my way.
They’re called Family Plans for a reason. We share our plans with many family members, including our parents and our adult children.
I get that, I can see the logic, but it’s still something I don’t see myself doing when I have adult children. And it’s something I never, ever wanted as a young adult.
You nailed it, Amy. It's a question of dignity.
Right, exactly.
I notice that the majority of commenters here are parents who are choosing to keep their adult children on their phone or whatever plans — sure, if that’s what they want to do. But I’m interested in seeing this from the perspective of the adult children. “I let my parents pay for my cell phone bc they say it’s easier.” ?? It’s a basic orientation toward the world that keeps parents as the real adults, and casts the adult children as overgrown adolescents still trying to make their way in the world.
I think there’s also a lot to be said here for intergenerational living, seeing your family as a team as another commenter describes it — all great things. AND I think parents paying their adult children’s utility bills, whether out of generosity or convenience, is not awesome for the adult children in question. That being said, it’s not black and white and not really a hill I think worth dying on in an internet comments section. :)
You seem, Amy, to always attribute the worst motives to people you disagree with. Which is why you’re a bore.
My daughters (27 and 30) are still on my phone plan and still use my Netflix occasionally. I don't think they feel a lack of independence as a result. The $ either way are trivial.
But they are typical Millennial/Gen Z types, and we don't discuss politics when they visit.
Respectfully, it's not the triviality of the dollar amounts.
It's the fact that twenty-, thirty-, and forty-somethings should be in their own separate financial and household arrangements.
I'll guess that it is cheaper for 6 adult drivers to be on your car-insurance policy. It's easier to pay one mortgage bill for the 3 homes involved, etc., etc.
My sister wanted to live with her fiance before they were married because it would be cheaper. When my Catholic father offered to pay her the difference in cost, she turned him down. So it wasn't about the money after all. She wanted to torque my parents around, even though she expected them to pay for the church wedding (and they did).
There are almost always at least a few really good reasons for not doing what you don't want to do in the first place.
Regards.
My daughters have been living independently in their own households since they left university. I hardly think they feel dependent based on phones. I'm happy to gift them the service. BTW, I can use their Hulu account if I ever wanted to do so.
I agree with this. It’s not about the money, it’s not even about convenience, it’s about each person in the family having the self-concept of independent adulthood. You do you, but I can’t imagine keeping my 30-year-old child on my phone plan. That’s not my responsibility at that point.