Some weeks are too dark to even be able to see the humorous absurdities. Too serious and full of noble adults doing their best for me to do a news send-up at all. This. . . this was not one of those weeks.
And so: we’ll begin with a filet of the finest Hamas-Israel bad takes, which are really in season right now. Then we’ll have a collection of unrelated local derangements. Nausea is part of the meal. We’re so glad you’re here. If you need to put a little whiskey in that coffee this Friday, you earned it. Over here we just call that coffee on Friday.
→ The hottest new progressive symbol: After Hamas paragliders landed in a music festival in southern Israel and slaughtered hundreds of unarmed Jewish youth, the leaders of Black Lives Matter Chicago and various leftist groups knew just what to do. They turned the image of the paratrooper against the sky—captured on video by those Jewish youth in a panic before their slaughter—into a chic black and white logo. That paraglider was the left’s big 2023 brand reveal! Thank you, BLM, for coming out with it.
Put that on a tote, y’all!
The obvious new symbol for members of the Democratic Socialists of America is a Hamas soldier. I can’t believe I never thought of it myself. Who would respect your pronouns more than a Hamas paraglider? Who would agree with the progressive prosecutor movement more than a Hamas paraglider? Hamas paragliders wait to be called out and called in. When I think of straight allies who support my gay rights and dignity, I obviously think of Hamas paragliders. This Is What A Feminist Looks Like (hint: it’s a Hamas paraglider, dummy!). Strong, rebellious, and arriving with panache to do an ethnic cleansing of the Jews? The Hamas paraglider has it all for the modern American left.
Rallies to support the Hamas attack have sprung up across the country and were quickly the coolest place to be if you want universal healthcare and also the genocide of Jews. As one speaker shouted to a cheering crowd in New York at an event promoted by the DSA: “As you might have seen, there was some sort of rave or desert party where they were having a great time, until the resistance came in electrified hang gliders and took at least several dozen hipsters. But I’m sure they’re doing very fine despite what the New York Post says.”
Right.
As my lesbian hero, Berkeley professor Judith Butler, famously put it: “Understanding Hamas, Hezbollah as social movements that are progressive, that are on the Left, that are part of a global Left, is extremely important.” Yes, okay, they would kill me and Judy, parade our bodies through the streets, but that’s not the point. We are united.
