Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs celebrates with girlfriend Taylor Swift after his team won the AFC Championship. (Photo by Patrick Smith via Getty Images)

TGIF: Taylor vs. Trump

Three Squad scandals. A Disney trigger warning. The GOP turns on Tay-Tay. Heterosexuals should probably give up on sex. Plus, Biden’s hard hat, Pelosi’s faux pas, and more.

Hello and welcome back to TGIF. 

→ America’s military might will respond at 2 p.m. at these coordinates: This week, an Iran-backed militia launched a drone strike against America’s soldiers and killed three—William Rivers, 46, of Carrollton, GA; Kennedy Sanders, 24, of Waycross, GA; and Breonna Moffett, 23, of Savannah, GA. First, the American response was to make it clear that it was kind of our fault: there were two drones coming in, and one was our friendly drone and one was Iran’s murder drone, and in the confusion we let the murder drone kill instead of taking down the murder drone. See, Iran didn’t mean it, it’s our bad, really. Biden took a few days to mull what to do and then the administration released their response: “U.S. officials have confirmed to CBS News that plans have been approved for a series of strikes over a number of days against targets—including Iranian personnel and facilities—inside Iraq and Syria.”

The key to military strategy is to announce it loudly and clearly a week or two ahead of time, that’s what it said in The Art of War, I’m pretty sure. Soon, several empty buildings are about to be shown what America is all about. Within days, a random drone left on the desert floor is going to see into the blinking red light of a state-of-the-art weapon and know why we don’t have free healthcare. Several strong, terrorist-affiliated long-eared hedgehogs are going to be obliterated. Iran will never strike again! Mission—I can’t believe we’re back here—Accomplished. 

→ Biden pivots on the border: In what CNN calls a “stunning political shift,” Biden this week said that if he could, he would “shut down” the U.S.-Mexico border right now. But can’t he? I have no idea. This comes after Border Patrol, at the end of last week, finally released December’s immigration numbers (they held the numbers late, finally releasing them on a Friday afternoon, a classic strategy to try to get as little coverage as possible). And why would it be good to hide them? Because the numbers are shocking. Border Patrol reported 302,034 migrant encounters in December, which breaks the previous record set in September. Among those were 19 people on the FBI terror watch list. Nineteen! Enough to play a basketball tournament.

This post is for paying subscribers only


Already have an account? Log in